


On Sleepless Roads

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, M/M, Multiple Universe, he falls asleep in one world and wakes up in another, i chose not to warn but there is some heavy stuff, iridae, is any of it real? no one knows, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:01:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22994377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sehun seems to think he is living a thousand different lives at once. It takes Jongin two and a half sessions to get this out of him and even to this day Jongin’s finding it something of a hard pill to swallow. Sehun says that every time he wakes up he’s in a different world, with different people and different surroundings and nothing even remotely familiar for Sehun to grasp at except for one man who, Sehun says, is everywhere. One man present in every reality - one man with the world revolving around him - one man who Sehun thinks he’s supposed to share the world with but who keeps slipping through his fingers like sand or stardust.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**on sleepless roads.**

  


.:.

  
  
The office is square. Small. Intimate, almost, and very lightly furnished; two chairs, an odd painting on the wall and a desk, on top of which is a lamp and various paperwork that’s all neatly organised into piles, with colourful paper clips to distinguish the files for each different patient and to keep it all together.  
  
That’s everything -- Jongin doesn’t want anything else because he doesn’t want to appear pretentious and he doesn’t want anything to distract from his work. He’s also got terrible taste when it comes to interior decorating and his sister still refuses to drive over and help him out, but that’s not something Jongin feels he needs to share with people if ever they ask about his office.  
  
This office is where Jongin first meets Oh Sehun; pencilled in for five o’clock on a Wednesday. Sehun shows up twenty minutes early with a little frown puckering at his lips and narrowed eyes, taking in the waiting room before his session like he’s just landed on an alien planet. Jongin calls him in and Sehun looks at Jongin in much the same way; confused, suspicious, perhaps a little intimidated. Jongin asks his name, asks Sehun to tell Jongin a few things about himself, asks how he’s feeling and after each question Sehun stops like he needs a minute to think of what to say.  
  
This office is where Jongin thinks that Sehun possibly has the potential to be his oddest patient yet, and this office is the place where Jongin realises that he was right.  
  
Sehun seems to think he is living a thousand different lives at once. It takes Jongin two and a half sessions to get this out of him and even to this day Jongin’s finding it something of a hard pill to swallow. Sehun says that every time he wakes up he’s in a different world, with different people and different surroundings and nothing even remotely familiar for Sehun to grasp at except for one man who, Sehun says, is everywhere. One man present in every reality - one man with the world revolving around him - one man who Sehun thinks he’s supposed to share the world with but who keeps slipping through his fingers like sand or stardust.  
  
It’s become something like a ritual, now, for Jongin to ask for the man’s name. For his eye colour, hair colour--anything, but Sehun won’t ever tell him. Not a name, not a hobby, not the slightest detail that might allow Jongin to get a grasp on this fantasy world Sehun seems to have lost himself in. Oh Sehun is apparently very, very stubborn, and there’s only so much Jongin thinks he can take of this man before he’ll be forced to give up on him completely.  
  
“You know, this won’t work if you aren’t willing to tell me everything,” Jongin points out one day, hands folded on the desk before him, the image of faux serenity. “I can’t help you if I don’t know who you are.”  
  
Sehun’s mouth quirks up into a crooked smile, but there’s nothing funny about the look in his eyes when he replies; “To be honest, I don’t think you can help me whether I tell you or not.”  
  
“Then why are you here?” Jongin says it before he can think not to, the words drifting out quiet and helpless in the still air between them. Sehun doesn’t respond for a long moment, just sits there in the dark armchair across the room with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes staring at Jongin’s like he’s somewhere far away, lost and motionless until he shrugs, once, uncaring. Jongin sighs and rises from his own chair, folding his hands together behind his back so Sehun can’t see the way his palms shake. “Is there anything else you want to tell me, or is that everything for today?”  
  
“There’s nothing else,” Sehun says, rising to his feet and letting Jongin see him to the door. Once there, though, he stops and turns, frowning again and looking at Jongin quizzically. “Do you still dance?”  
  
Jongin stops for a split second, surprised by the sudden question, but answers; “No, not since I was in high school.”  
  
Sehun looks troubled for a moment, chewing on the inside of his lip like he’s in deep thought, before letting out a little hum from the back of his throat and finally leaving the office. It’s only after Sehun’s gone that Jongin realises how odd the question was; he’s had a good few sessions with Oh Sehun by now, but he can’t remember ever mentioning his own youth, the ‘glory days’ back when Jongin still wanted to be a dancer but ended up as a therapist instead. He’s sure it’s never come up -- there’s never really been a reason for it to -- but that must just mean that Jongin’s memory is failing him because how would Sehun know otherwise?  
  
Yes, that must be it. It must have come up in passing, Jongin just can’t remember. Sehun dances, right? He said that once -- Jongin might have mentioned it then. Jongin must have mentioned it then.  
  
Jongin can’t shake the odd feeling the question has sent tickling down his spine but he forces himself to push it aside anyway. Instead he settles down at his desk, jots down some notes on the session today, then folds the paper into Oh Sehun’s oddly empty file and tries to forget about him for the rest of the day.  
  
  
Sehun goes straight home after the session, walking fast over the muggy pavement to the parts of town which seem to be perpetually dark and gloomy. It was all he could afford to be nearby to Jongin’s office.  
  
He lets out a sigh as he sinks into bed -- his skinny, greasy mattress -- and stares blindly up at the ceiling as he waits for sleep to take him. He thinks about how he lives this life just for an hour per week with Jongin; just an hour’s session of occasional small-talk and a million questions Sehun won’t answer. Can’t answer. How can he tell Jongin the truth? He couldn’t--there just aren’t the words. Jongin would never believe him, anyway. If anything, he’d probably take out a restraining order on Sehun. Threaten to get him locked up if he doesn’t leave Jongin alone.  
  
That’s what Sehun would do.  
  
Sehun lets out a groan and rolls onto his front, pushing his face into the bare pillow and hoping if he stays like that long enough he’ll be smothered. Of course, Oh Sehun has never been that lucky; he drifts off to sleep almost immediately, and he wonders where he’ll wake up next.  
  
  


~~~

  
  
  
Sehun wakes up face-down in a different pillow. Lighter -- it smells different. He stretches his arms out to brush his fingers over familiar, soft cotton sheets and relaxes again with a smile. He knows where he is today, and he sure is happy to be here.  
  
Despite this, he’s in serious danger of slipping off into dream-land again when someone starts banging their fist on the front door of this apartment, yelling and causing a racket the neighbours definitely won’t appreciate this early in the morning. That’s probably what woke Sehun up in the first place, and he should probably go let the visitor in, but he already knows who it is and he knows that it’s much more fun to wait for them to join him instead.  
  
It takes about another three seconds before whoever it is lets himself into the apartment and can be heard striding into Sehun’s bedroom with a sigh. “You are actually impossible--why aren’t you _awake_ yet?”  
  
“M’sleepin,” Sehun mumbles with a smile that only grows wider as strong hands grab onto his shoulder and roll him so he’s facing the ceiling, blinking bleary eyes up into the face of one Kim Jongin.  
  
Now, the first time this happened, Sehun panicked. It wasn’t with this Jongin -- this Jongin has only been around for about a year, now, and the first time this happened to Sehun was nearly a decade previous -- but it was still _a_ Jongin; a living, breathing, beautiful boy. He changes in every new universe but he’s still so painfully the same and Sehun is still, always, so painfully in love with him.  
  
“Get up, fatass; we have a big day ahead of us,” Jongin orders, clapping his hands together sharply. Sehun groans at the sound and rolls over onto his front again, burying his head in the pillow defiantly, so Jongin smacks Sehun’s ass instead. “ _Come on_! That big-shot fashion guy is coming to see us today, remember? This could be our big break, so don’t fuck it up!”  
  
He rolls Sehun back again and drags him halfway off the bed in an attempt to get him to move, but Jongin’s efforts are to no avail. Sehun seems intent on doing nothing for himself today, to the point where he holds up his arms to Jongin like a baby and whines; “ _Carry me_.”  
  
“For fuck’s sake,” Jongin grumbles, but he leans down to hoist Sehun up anyway and Sehun finds he can’t wipe the huge grin off of his face for anything.  
  
They don’t talk much while Jongin readies him, flitting around Sehun’s bedroom looking for clothes and hairspray like some kind of fashion fairy. Sehun just lets him get on with it, lets himself be turned into a human dress-up doll; Sehun’s far too concerned with watching Jongin, anyway. He’s so handsome - he always has been. All smooth lines and sharp edges… Sehun sometimes wonders how he got so lucky to be the one man who gets Kim Jongin all to himself.  
  
Then he remembers that he isn’t. Not in this universe, anyway.  
  
Sehun’s too preoccupied with these thoughts when Jongin throws him a tie and instructs Sehun to put it on, so Sehun moves slowly and a little clumsily and eventually Jongin just marches over to tie the thing himself, slapping Sehun’s hands away with a huff. “I’ve never met a model,” Jongin mutters, eyes trained unblinkingly on what he’s doing. He has the tie done within seconds. “Who couldn’t even _dress himself_.”  
  
Sehun just grins at him. “I can dress myself fine,” he admits, “I just prefer when you do it.”  
  
Jongin, however, doesn’t seem to get the joke. He scowls at Sehun and starts to turn again, presumably to stomp out of the apartment and into the company car that’s no doubt waiting for them outside, but Sehun reaches out to stop him before he can get very far.  
  
“Hey! Hey, I’m sorry,” Sehun sighs and Jongin allows himself to be pulled back, still looking pretty pissed but his expression has softened slightly. He’s never been good at staying mad at people. “I know this is a big day and it’s important to you. I won’t fuck it up, I’m sorry-”  
  
“Ugh, stop,” Jongin shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be taking it out on you-”  
  
“It’s okay; it’s what I’m here for.”  
  
“-I just really want this to work for us I want this to _work_ and it’s not going to if we don’t really step our game up,” Jongin continues as if Sehun hadn’t even spoken, then looks up and into his eyes with nothing but pure, raw emotion. “We need this, Sehun. We _need_ this.”  
  
Sehun doesn’t say that no, ‘they’ don’t. Jongin needs this. Jongin is the one who wants in this business. Jongin is the one with all the hopes and dreams that he’s chasing like his only options are to get there or to die trying--Jongin wants to be a world-class male model, Sehun is just riding off Jongin’s ambition and hoping not to get left behind.  
  
But Sehun doesn’t say that. Of course he doesn’t; he’d probably lose Jongin forever. Or worse, have to live knowing that Jongin hates him.  
  
No, Sehun doesn’t say that; what he does say is, “Shh, I know. I know, and we’re gonna do it, okay? Don’t think so hard - you know you’re good enough to get this, don’t ruin it by freaking out before we’ve even reached the shoot.” Jongin doesn’t respond, doesn’t meet his gaze for a long moment, until eventually Sehun reaches out to tip his chin up with a shy smile. “Okay?”  
  
There it is; small and restrained, but Jongin eventually does smile back, pushing Sehun’s hand away from his face with his fingertips. “Whatever, Sehun,” Jongin says, pretending to be apathetic but there’s still that definite trace of affection there. “Go brush your teeth; we’re leaving.”  
  
They’re quiet after that and quiet still in the car on the way to the shoot. Even the man their agency hired to drive them there doesn't say a word. Sehun’s okay with that; Jongin’s got his game face on and Sehun knows very well by now not to try and mess with him, so he makes sure not to make a sound, but he does allow himself to reach over the sleek leather backseat and take Jongin’s hand. Jongin doesn’t react at first so Sehun squeezes, as if to ask if he’s okay, if they’re okay. Jongin takes long enough to respond that Sehun starts to panic a little and wonder if maybe he did cross the line this morning, but eventually he feels Jongin squeeze back and Sehun relaxes again.  
  
He’s okay, they’re okay. Sehun smiles and prepares to take this day, and whatever it might throw at him, head-on.  
  
The shoot itself isn’t nearly as stressful as the hours running up to it were. They’re working for _Overdose_ magazine, doing some contemporary shoot for the company’s upcoming fashion line, and Sehun’s unashamed to say that he’s excited for this. Mainly because they’re working with artistic director Kim Joonmyun; an old friend of theirs by now, considering how many times he’s asked for them back.  
  
(Although rumour has it that that’s not actually Joonmyun’s call. Apparently the real mastermind behind this operation is Joonmyun’s fiancé, Jongdae, who’s one of the best photographers in the country. He - allegedly - insists that his photos come out better when Jongin and Sehun are in them, and so encourages-slash-demands that Joonmyun bring them in for a shoot at every opportunity. Sehun doesn’t really care either way, though; as far as Sehun's concerned, as long as the work they do draws more attention to Jongin’s budding career then Sehun doesn't care who takes their picture.)  
  
The few hours the shoot goes on for pass in something of a blur. There are three elaborate sets to work with, countless costume changes and absolutely no opportunities to escape Jongdae barking out instructions to them from behind the camera lens. It’s frantic and busy and just makes Sehun want to retreat back under his duvet again, never to be seen.  
  
Usually, Sehun doesn't like this kind of atmosphere. If it were any other world apart from this one he certainly wouldn't be putting up with it for long, but right now as it stands he doesn't mind. He's sort of enjoying himself, actually; he's been living this life long enough to have learned that focusing on the bad, the uncomfortable parts only makes things worse. Sehun's learned that he has to concentrate on the positives, and he's found that they usually have a recurring theme:  
  
Jongin looks beautiful today.  
  
The make-up artists have done a wonderful job, but then again Sehun thinks they already started out with an outstanding canvas. Jongin flirts with the camera, dark outlines on his eyes turning his usual smoky gaze into a sultry invitation that only an incredibly strong man (a man stronger than Sehun will probably ever be) could resist, and the same goes for the women. Kim Jongin practically oozes sex appeal and the producers of magazines like this know that; they use it, playing to Jongin's strengths so anyone who picks up this issue will suddenly fall uncontrollably and irreversibly in love with him.  
  
The fact is that Kim Jongin sells. He's passionate and willing, as well as being incredibly good at this job, and that's why photographers like Jongdae love him.  
  
Sehun honestly has no idea why Jongdae loves _Sehun_ , though. Maybe it's because Sehun's tall and photogenic according to his and Jongin’s current agent as well as a handful of the people who’ve hired him in the past, even though Sehun himself just thinks he looks kind of sleepy and dull in every picture he sees. Or maybe Jongdae doesn't actually like Sehun at all, he just invites him along because he knows that Sehun and Jongin have been working together for a long time, now. That's probably it, actually; ' _Overdose_ ' magazine just features Sehun and Jongin together because their teaming up is sort of a thing now. Sehun probably just looks good next to Jongin -- an idea that is more or less proved to be true when Jongdae suddenly yells for everyone to freeze and- "Sehun! Do that again!"  
  
"Do what?" Joonmyun asks before Sehun can, stepping through the little crowd of people working on this shoot and stopping by Jongdae's side.  
  
"I just want to try something," Jongdae mutters, eyes trained on the scene before him. He thinks for just a moment before raising his voice again and calling; "Sehun, go join Jongin on the set please?"  
  
Hesitating only slightly because he wasn’t even in front of the camera when Jongdae spotted him, Sehun does as he's asked, climbing onto the third and final set where Jongin has been working for the last fifteen minutes. The pair of them share puzzled looks as Jongdae suddenly clambers up to join them, taking Sehun by the arm and maneuvering him so he's closer to Jongin. Then Jongdae turns Jongin's body to face Sehun and takes a second to look at them before whispering " _perfect_ " and falling to a crouch, camera poised and ready.  
  
"Now," Jongdae murmurs, "Sehun just... Just look at him..."  
  
Sehun does, and at first he and Jongin both laugh nervously because oh, this is a little weird. And oddly embarrassing in front of all these people who've all fallen silent as they observe; it gets to the point where Jongin has to look away and ask over the steady click of Jongdae's camera, "So do I look at you or-?"  
  
"No, no just- just look back at him," Jongdae instructs.  
  
Jongin does as he's told, locking gazes with Sehun and letting out a shallow breath. Sehun gets the feeling; he's feeling a little lightheaded himself. "How- how do you want me to look at him?" Sehun asks Jongdae quietly, seemingly unable to stop staring at Jongin now he's started and Jongin just keeps gazing back.  
  
"Look at him like..." Jongdae trails off as he tries to think if the right way to describe what he must have spotted before, finally continuing a few seconds afterwards with a quiet; "Like you love him."  
  
Oh. _Oh_. Now this really is uncomfortable; Jongin falters slightly at the words and Sehun lets out one weak, self-conscious laugh, but Jongdae urges them on and there's really nothing left to do but obey.  
  
So Sehun does it. Clears his head of all thoughts - forgets about the camera and the audience - and just looks at Jongin like he always does. Looks at Jongin like Jongin is the moon and the stars on the ocean. Like Jongin is a perfect sunrise after rain--Sehun looks at Jongin like he is the world and more.  
  
He looks like he loves him.  
  
"Perfect," Jongdae murmurs again after only two or three shots, flitting back to Joonmyun to show him the results on the camera screen while Jongin and Sehun are left to awkwardly stand by, still in position but now avoiding each other's gaze like the plague. " _See what I mean?_ " Sehun hears Jongdae say, and he sounds like he's somewhere far away even though Sehun knows there are only a matter of feet between them. " _That look on his face--that's something special. I'm not gonna get to take another photo like this in a long time._ "  
  
Sehun hears Joonmyun murmur something that sounds like agreement, then a few more words pass between them before Jongdae and Joonmyun are telling them they can leave; they have all they need, the shoot's over, thank you very much.  
  
Jongin and Sehun can't get off that set fast enough.  
  
"That was weird, huh?" Sehun tries for a laugh once they've reached their shared dressing room.  
  
Jongin, on the other hand, doesn't seem to find it funny at all. "Really weird. Really, really fucking weird--Jongdae's crazy, I swear... Why's he got to try that experimental shit when he knows we have this big agent come to see us? He was watching us, I saw him stood at the back. He probably saw that whole thing-- did you get a look at his face, was he mad?" Sehun doesn't reply because he hadn't actually realised the big-shot agent was there at all. To be honest, he'd forgotten all about it. Jongin continues; "Ugh. Well let's just hope he's not some kind of homophobe or we're screwed, we're actually screwed and I'm going to tear Jongdae's liver out with my goddamn bare hands."  
  
Sehun doesn’t ask if Jongin’s mad about what happened. He doesn’t think he has the guts to, to be frank; though it’s rare, there have been universes before where Sehun’s found out that that particular Jongin wasn’t actually gay at all. A couple of times Jongin has actually said horrible things about it, in one world or another, but Sehun can handle that. It bothers him, sure, but Sehun can deal with it and move on. It’s when Jongin decides he physically can’t be around Sehun because of his sexuality that Sehun finds damaging. Nothing else - no petty argument, no insensitive action… It’s just that one day they’re fine and the next Sehun’s a fag, and sometimes Jongin just can’t seem to handle that. So he leaves, and Sehun never sees that Jongin again.  
  
It’s something Sehun always dreads and it’s a feeling Sehun never wants to experience again, so he doesn’t ask Jongin about what happened. He ignores all of the gut instincts insisting that Jongin was looking back at Sehun in exactly the same way as Sehun had been watching him and tries to pretend it didn’t even happen. He’s good at that by now.  
  
It’s in the car ride back to the building of the company the two of them currently work for that Jongin and Sehun find out just what happened with the ‘big-shot’ after Jongdae’s little impromptu experiment on set. Apparently, he was very impressed. Said he was impressed that the boys could adapt and take direction from Jongdae so professionally, especially since they were both heterosexual. As far as the agent knew, anyway. Apparently the man thinks that Jongin and Sehun are exactly what the company he’s representing - S.M., the biggest modelling agency in the business - is looking for, and he’s going to arrange for them to meet with his boss so they can discuss contracts and look at signing with the company full-time.  
  
Apparently Jongdae’s little ‘experiment’ has managed to get Jongin’s dreams handed to the boys on a silver platter, and Sehun doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jongin so happy in his life.  
  
Sehun drifts to sleep during the long car ride to their current agency, his head resting on Jongin’s shoulder and a smile on his face.  
  
  


###

  
  
  
There’s something prodding his cheek.  
  
“Sehun. Psst, Sehun.” A familiar voice whispers through the haze of sleep, but it’s not quite enough to wake him up. Sehun grimaces and tries to ignore it. “Hey- hey Sehun!” Another prod. “ _Psst_! _Sehun_!”  
  
“ _What_?” Sehun demands groggily, finally blinking his eyes open to a huge dark room and shifting on the mattress beneath him only to find that it’s hard and tough and makes him feel slightly claustrophobic from the bunk that’s on top of it. Sehun realises suddenly where he is and quietens immediately, waiting a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark until he can make out a familiar shape crouched by the side of his bed, near his pillow. “What, what is it?”  
  
“Sehun I’m absolutely bricking myself,” Jongin admits in a hurried whisper, the words floating in the dark like they’d be far too weak to even last ten seconds in daylight. “I can’t do this, Sehun, I swear to god I can’t-”  
  
“Jongin, we leave _tomorrow_ -”  
  
“I know! I know and that’s why I’m so scared!” Jongin hisses. “I can’t go to _war_ , Sehun!”  
  
Sehun cracks a smile even though he probably shouldn't. Jongin's panic is endearing in a weird sort of way, and Sehun finds that he really wants to kiss him. (He doesn't, of course; he can't, not with this Jongin. They're not ready yet, and Sehun won't push him.) "Why not?" Sehun asks instead, "You're practically the best in our squadron."  
  
Jongin scowls. "Don't dick around with me, please, I'm being _serious_!"  
  
"Okay maybe not the best, but I'd say in terms of skill you'd definitely rank somewhere near the bottom-middle."  
  
"I didn't even want to join this war, Sehun," Jongin whispers and something in his voice makes Sehun fall silent. "What... What if I don't come back?"  
  
"Hey! Don't talk like that," Sehun says firmly, pointing a finger at Jongin's chest and looking him dead in the eye like his heart didn't just do some awful little squeeze at Jongin's words. The extra ' _I don't like it when you talk like that_ ' is implied. “Don’t even start thinking like that, Jongin; you’re just tempting fate for something bad to happen. We’ll be fine, alright? Both of us--you know I’m gonna be right there with you to watch your back and we _both_ know that Yixing and Yifan are sure as hell not gonna let anything happen to any of us. EXO is their unit -- you think they’re gonna let a single one of us guys come home in a box? They’d kill us themselves first.”  
  
Jongin laughs shakily. “That’s not really very reassuring.”  
  
“Well you woke me up at this unholy hour for a conversation we’ve had a thousand times before and I’m still half asleep, so it’s the best you’re gonna get right now,” Sehun counters playfully.  
  
“Oh,” Jongin nods like he’s just realised that Sehun’s right. “Oh, right- sorry.”  
  
Sehun snorts a laugh. “It’s fine. Now just… Get back into bed before anyone else wakes up and you get us in trouble.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jongin mutters again, standing up and using Sehun’s bed as a step-up so he can climb back into his own bed; the one right on top of Sehun’s. Sehun watches the underside of the mattress shift as Jongin arranges himself and gets comfortable, the dark room almost lulling Sehun to sleep again when Jongin suddenly whispers; “Sehun?”  
  
“...Yeah?”  
  
“Are you scared?”  
  
Sehun swallows, letting out a slow breath and nodding into the dark. This world came as a bit of a shock to him; he woke up here on the first day of training, with no knowledge of where he was supposed to have come from and no idea what he’s even fighting for. In fact, no one really seems to know; half of the young soldiers Sehun’s met are here because they were conscripted into this war their home country’s government refuses to give them any information about. All they know is that their side is supposedly winning, but they need more troops. They say the soldiers are getting younger each day, and any scraps of information from the frontlines come few and far between. No one knows what they’re here for, but everybody is being made to lay their lives down for it anyway.  
  
Usually, Sehun tries to avoid thinking about it too hard, but every fear gets that much stronger in the dark; Sehun’s had plenty of time to consider that he could be one of millions who never come home again after they leave for enemy territory.  
  
Sehun tries not to think about what might happen to Jongin.  
  
“Of course. I’m terrified.”  
  
He hears Jongin chuckle breathily. “So you can be scared but I’m not allowed to, is that how it works?”  
  
“You’ll be fine,” Sehun tells him immediately. _You have to be fine._  
  
Jongin drops the subject then, instead letting out a sigh and shifting onto his side, letting one arm fall down the edge of the bed, stretched towards Sehun. Sehun smiles to himself and reaches up to take Jongin’s hand gently, closing his eyes again with a sigh. They don’t sleep for a long time after that, and when they finally do their hands are still together, holding on to one another like no kind of lurking monster could ever tear them apart.  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
Sehun wakes to the sound of singing; some smooth male vocalist crooning out a love song on the radio somewhere far away. It’s a song he’s heard before - not the best song in the world but Sehun has nothing against it - but it still takes a moment before he can place it and when he does, Sehun smiles. There’s a happy swelling in his chest, right where his heart is, and excitement fills his gut as he realises which world he’s in.  
  
It feels like he’s been waiting for this to come back around for a lifetime.  
  
He finds he can suddenly recognise this bed; notices the familiar scent of someone else’s aftershave on the pillows; reaches out and feels the empty space where a warm body has not long since been lying beside him. There’s nothing there now, though, and that can only mean one thing. Jongin is already up.  
  
Sehun is out of the bed and on his feet within seconds.  
  
The great thing about Sunday mornings here is that they’re always so slow, so easy. It’s not that Sehun gets to kick his feet up and relax on Sunday, because he doesn’t; he has to spend his afternoon at the office catching up on all the paperwork he hasn’t managed to finish in the week, but this morning is his favourite part of the week. Sunday mornings are slow kisses and hot coffee, chirpy morning chat-shows and a low, warm voice in Sehun’s ear. Sunday mornings are the best waste of his time.  
  
Or, should he say, _their_ time; Jongin always cooks on Sunday mornings, frying bacon and eggs and sausage because he says he firmly believes in a ‘proper Sunday breakfast’. Sehun doesn’t really care whether his breakfast is ‘proper’ or not, and he knows Dabin doesn’t either - she’s never been a picky eater, and Sehun thinks they’re lucky in the sense that even as a five-year-old she pretty much eats what she’s been given with no complaints - but Jongin likes to look after them and if it makes Jongin happy then Sehun’s happy, too. So naturally, knowing this, Sehun heads straight for the kitchen after waking up and finds himself very pleased with what he finds.  
  
Jongin’s stood at the stove frying bacon or something, shirtless and wearing only his long, grey pyjama bottoms. He’s got his back to Sehun; the smooth, tan planes of skin and muscle proving to be a damn near irresistible sight even through sleepy eyes and a sensation similar to that of butterflies fills Sehun’s stomach. Even after all the years they’ve been together in this world, Jongin is still the most perfect thing Sehun has ever seen; he wastes no time in crossing the room, wrapping his arms around Jongin’s waist from behind and pressing his lips to the back of his husband’s neck. “Good morning.”  
  
Jongin hums in lieu of a reply, drawing it out with a sound of approval as Sehun drags his lips down the line of Jongin’s shoulder. “Sleep well?”  
  
“I did,” Sehun nods. It’s a lie, but it’s easier than trying to explain the truth of the matter; Sehun never sleeps well. He is always tired, because despite the copious amounts of rest he appears to get in all of his worlds, it never adds up; in what feels like no time at all Sehun has to wake up somewhere else, feeling like some kind of zombie because the sleep he did get doesn’t seem to have translated across the universe with Sehun himself. Sehun is always tired, to the point where it’s kind of maddening, but Jongin can’t know that. So Sehun lies. He used to be ashamed of it, but he’s so used to it now that it barely even registers. “You know me; I sleep like a baby. Speaking of, where’s ours gone?”  
  
“She’s still asleep, I think,” Jongin replies, leaning to the side so he can crack a few eggs into the pan and fry them alongside the bacon. Sehun’s so determined not to break this back-hug that he moves when Jongin does, like some sort of shadow, and Jongin lets out a quiet laugh. “I mean, she was when I checked on her twenty minutes ag- Jesus, Sehun, what are you doing? Get off!”  
  
“ _Excuse_ me, I am cuddling my husband,” Sehun protests, holding Jongin that much tighter around the middle as if to prove just how determined he is not to let go. “And I’d appreciate it if you stopped protesting; you’re ruining the moment.”  
  
Sehun can hear the smile in Jongin’s voice as he responds. “I think your husband would rather cook without the distraction, to be honest.”  
  
“Distraction?” Sehun asks innocently, pressing kisses along the back of Jongin’s shoulders and the nape of his neck again, breathing over the ticklish spot Jongin has there so his hairs stand on end. “I’ll have you know I don’t pose _any_ sort of distraction while my husband is working with equipment that could be potentially harmful to him or those around him. I’m far too responsible for that.”  
  
“Is that right?” Jongin murmurs, voice turning a little husky as Sehun’s hands start to roam, now, too; over Jongin’s chest and stomach then lower, to the band of Jongin’s pyjama pants and-  
  
“Papa?”  
  
Sehun yanks his hands away from Jongin’s dick faster than if he’d touched the hot frying pan with his bare skin. “Yes, princess?”  
  
He spins so fast and speaks so quickly that there’s no way Sehun doesn’t sound guilty; hands hidden behind his back as Jongin goes suspiciously quiet beside him. A sharp mind would easily pick up the signs and figure out what had been happening before the couple were so suddenly interrupted, but luckily for Sehun and Jongin, their daughter is only five. As long as she was the centre of attention, Sehun thinks she’d be perfectly happy for her fathers to do whatever the hell they like.  
  
“I’m hungry,” Dabin announces, rubbing her eyes with a little more force than is necessary and stifling a yawn.  
  
“I know, baby; Daddy’s making breakfast for us now,” Sehun tells her, leaning down automatically to scoop her into his arms when she comes forwards and reaches for him. (This, Jongin's mother says, is a bad habit. Apparently Dabin is too big, now, to be babied as much as Jongin and Sehun baby her, and there’s some chapter in some parenting book somewhere that supports her argument. But frankly, Sehun is of the opinion that Jongin’s mother’s parenting books can go die in a fire; as long as Dabin is shorter than Sehun is, she _is_ his baby, and he will damn well treat her as such.)  
  
"How long will it take?" Dabin asks, using Sehun’s height to peer over Jongin's shoulder at the food.  
  
Jongin clears his throat quietly before answering. "Uh, five minutes."  
  
He doesn’t really seem to have recovered from a few moments ago yet, and Sehun grins but doesn't tease for once. Instead he takes Dabin across the room to their little round dining table and sets her down in one of the chairs, stroking her sleep-mussed hair gently back into place. "So what's new, anyone?"  
  
"Dabinnie has a new teacher," Jongin offers without turning around. "He starts tomorrow."  
  
Sehun frowns. "And we're only finding out today? That's a bit short notice, isn't it?"  
  
"She forgot to give us the letter; I only found it in her coat pocket this morning," Jongin explains with an air as if to sigh and say ‘ _what are we going to do with her?_ ’.  
  
"Oh I _see_!" Sehun gasps, sending Dabin a disapproving look. She seems pretty much unaffected, though, merely blinking back at her father for a second or two before climbing off of her chair to go running back upstairs to her bedroom again. Sehun rolls his eyes and turns back to Jongin instead. "So. A male primary school teacher, huh?" Jongin nods. "I bet he's gay."  
  
"Stereotype," Jongin points out, flipping the bacon one last time before deeming it ready to eat. Sehun sets out three plates for him to start dishing breakfast up on. "He might be straight. Married with kids."  
  
Sehun snorts. "Jongin, if you haven't noticed, _we_ are married with a kid -- that's no longer a strong argument to help prove whether someone is straight or not."  
  
"Still. He's probably not gay."  
  
"Nah, I think he will be."  
  
“Well I’m picking her up tomorrow, so if he’s got a huge gay pride banner outside the classroom door and rainbows painted on the walls inside, I’ll let you know and you can have your ‘ _I told you so!_ ’ moment,” Jongin replies sarcastically, taking his and Dabin’s plates to the table while Sehun does the same with his own, grinning. “But otherwise, I guess we’ll never know. Dabin! Come on, darling, breakfast’s ready!”  
  
Dabin’s speeding footsteps can be heard coming down the stairs with all the grace of (and a similar amount of noise as) a herd of elephants while Sehun sends Jongin an impish smirk across the table. “Maybe you should go on a mission to find out. Go seduce him, discover all his secrets.”  
  
Jongin sends Sehun a Look and rolls his eyes when Sehun snorts obnoxiously, reaching over where Dabin’s just sat down to turn the radio up. Sehun recognises this song, the one Jongin obviously wants to listen to; it’s Jongin’s favourite singer, Do Kyungsoo, who seems to have an odd fixation with singing mournful songs about heartbreak and tragedy and this one song about a mermaid that Sehun thinks is dumb but Jongin had some kind of obsession with, the first few months after it came out. Jongin seems to have roped Dabin into being a fan of this singer, too, so now Sehun is treated to both of them bursting into song at random intervals in the day, either unaware or uncaring of the fact that they’re both more or less tone deaf.  
  
(Sehun thinks it’s just testament to how much he loves them both that their singing has become his favourite sound in the world.)  
  
  


***

  
  
  
Sehun wakes in a dingy, dark apartment and, for a moment, he’s surprised to be there. He doesn’t remember falling asleep in the last world - he always tries to stay awake for as long as he can there - but his control must have slipped because he’s certainly not home any more.  
  
Not in a home he wants to be in, anyway.  
  
It takes a few moments of blinking around in bewilderment before it finally dawns on Sehun just where he is and he lets out a sigh of realisation. This is one of his newer worlds, where he doesn’t quite know the way back home and the weather is always a little bit too cold for him to adjust to. He doesn’t know which city he’s in -- only has a vague idea of which country -- but everyone still speaks the same language that Sehun does so he finds ways to manage. Language, at least, seems to be on his side.  
  
Sehun always wakes in this world in the morning. Eight o’clock, right when his alarm goes off. His work uniform is always laid out on a chair in the corner of the bedroom, car keys on the bedside table on top of a thick, hardback book on sleep disorders and there’s always a box of cornflakes to start him off for the day. This life actually requires some work, it seems, despite how Sehun would rather just get it over with.  
  
The routine is still unfamiliar, because Sehun’s only been here once or twice before, but his body carries out the actions like he’s been doing this for every day of his life. He gets up, goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, takes a piss, takes a shower sometimes if he needs it but it has to be a quick one. He comes back to the bedroom, gets dressed in his uniform, leaves the sheets messy on his double bed and goes to eat breakfast. Cornflakes, of course, eaten alone at a small, circular wooden table that Sehun finds almost upsettingly similar to the one he and Jongin have in the last world, the one where they’re married with Dabin, the one that’s a far cry from this lonely life.  
  
He misses them, but he knows he can’t. There’s no point; they’re not in this world. Dabin isn’t, anyway. Sehun pushes her out of his mind.  
  
At eight-fourty-five Sehun leaves this one-bedroom apartment and drives to work; a little newsagent-slash-corner shop in town. He takes the sleep disorder book with him, to read during his breaks and through slow periods, and does the typical nine-to-five working day - the cherry on top of this mundane, solitary life.  
  
Six o’clock is what he lives for.  
  
Six is when Sehun, after driving for fourty-five minutes across the city just to reach a run-down, leaky old community centre, can finally see him. _Them_ \-- there’s more than just Jongin that Sehun’s come to look forward to, here, but of course Jongin’s the main thing.  
  
Six o’clock is when Sehun goes to, what he refers to as, ‘Anxiety Group’.  
  
Now, it’s not like Sehun needs to go. Sehun is perfectly sound of mind, thank you very much; he’s been to this support group before and he knows for a fact he does not suffer from the disorders these other people do. Oh Sehun does not have the obsessive need for control that Byun Baekhyun’s hands shake for. Sehun does not see doom and danger in every breath of life around him, does not break down completely like Huang Zitao has done so many times before; Sehun is _fine_.  
  
Sehun comes here for Jongin. Jongin’s been coming to this group for months, he says, and at the beginning he could barely even step one foot out the door, he worked himself up into such a panic about it. He says it seemed like hell for him, at first; too much of the unfamiliar, too many chances to be humiliated and criticised. He says he doesn’t know how he did it, but he’s glad he did, because he’s better now. He’s getting better now. He will be better any day now.  
  
When he speaks, he doesn’t look at anyone. He looks at his hands and his hands only, like he’s trying to pretend nothing else exists, then when he’s finished telling his story he looks up tentatively, quietly apologising though Sehun can't understand what for. But the group leader assures Jongin that it's alright, it’s fine, thank you for sharing with us, and the obvious relief Jongin feels when nothing bad happens is almost tangible.  
  
Sehun watches him carefully as all this goes on, taking in Jongin’s expression, body language, the way he sits like he’s curling in on himself slightly. Resigned, quiet. Everything about him seems designed so as to avoid drawing attention to himself--Sehun wonders why. How he got this way, when this happened, what-  
  
“So, Sehun, why don’t you tell us about yourself?” the group leader asks suddenly, smile supportive and non-threatening.  
  
Sehun falters anyway. “Uhh…”  
  
“You don’t have to, of course, I just thought it might help since you’re a newer addition to the group,” the leader prompts.  
  
Sehun stops. Composes himself and takes a moment to think--he’s prepared for this moment. He bought the damn book of disorders, he’s already got a plan for all of this. He can do this. How hard can it be? “Me? Well, uh… I don’t sleep.” The leader nods and waits for Sehun to continue. “Uhh-” Sehun falters again, trying to remember what he read. It’s difficult -- the pressure’s making his mind go blank. He’s never been a good liar. “I can’t sleep. And when I do it’s not- not like I should. I wake up too fast, I’m always tired, I… I don’t know why.”  
  
Not a lie. Not technically -- Sehun _is_ tired. Always. It’s not really a lie.  
  
The group leader nods slowly. “I see… And, have you tried to get some help for your condition?”  
  
“Well, yeah,” Sehun answers quickly, nodding his head like it’s obvious. The leader waits for him to continue again and Sehun wonders how the hell he got himself into this situation. “I, uh- I tried hypnotism. It didn’t work, they- they turned off the lights too quickly, I guess.” It was a shot in the dark but there’s a low chuckle from somewhere around the circle; apparently someone’s shared Sehun’s ‘experience’. He continues. “And I… I went to the doctor’s and they gave me this drug which- which worked, but-”  
  
“Which one?” someone asks suddenly. Byun Baekhyun, it is, and Sehun’s eyes go wide.  
  
“Uhh--”  
  
“My doctor put me on Klonopin when I couldn’t sleep,” Huang Zitao offers quietly. “It worked pretty well.”  
  
Baekhyun leans forwards to see him better around the circle. “Really? They gave me Alprazolam.”  
  
“Oh. Did it work?”  
  
“It was _rubbish_! Completely useless,” Baekhyun screws his face up in disgust. “I think it was mainly for the anxiety, but it still didn’t work.”  
  
“The Klonopin was for anxiety too,” Zitao nods, “but I did sleep better, so…”  
  
“Yeah I had- I had the same,” Sehun jumps in again, grasping at anything that could be plausible. Zitao smiles at him gently and Sehun honestly feels guilty for making him believe they’re in the same boat, here. “But I- uh… Well I guess I took too much and now they… They took me off it and sent me here.”  
  
The group leader smiles understandingly. “And you’re on the road to recovery now?”  
  
“Oh, definitely,” Sehun nods, relief washing over him as he can finally see the end in sight. It’s closer than he thinks, in fact, since the group leader nods and turns to invite a different person in the circle to share their experiences. Sehun is safe.  
  
He takes a few deep breaths, internally reeling at how the hell he managed to get through that without being called out on his lying, and it takes a few moments for him to realise that there’s someone watching him. He looks up and there, almost directly opposite him, Kim Jongin’s gaze is almost fixed on Sehun. Jongin looks away the moment Sehun spots him, but curiosity has him glance back a second later and he sees Sehun smiling at him.  
  
Slowly, shyly, Jongin smiles back.  
  
  


+++

  
  
  
Sehun wakes up and he doesn’t know where he is.  
  
Really, this time; he’s never been here before and it takes a few moments before Sehun can even begin to get his bearings. It’s so _bright_ \--white sheets, white walls, white window pane with no curtains or blinds to shield him from the stunning morning sunshine that beams down onto Sehun’s body, unrestrained. Sehun sits up in bed, somewhat concerned about the lack of privacy until he sees that there’s no one outside the window to see in; the window shows him nothing but clear blue sea, the house obviously being built on the end of some cliff somewhere.  
  
It’s more like a cottage than a house, though, as Sehun discovers upon leaving the bedroom and padding over laminated floorboards into the other rooms. Everything is small but still feels open, airy -- the house is kind of perfect, which makes Sehun wonder what kind of horrific things he must be in for outside, if this world has been so kind to him already.  
  
Well, Sehun thinks, finally coming to a stop before the bathroom mirror and looking into his own brown eyes determinedly. There’s only one way to find out.  
  
There are clothes in the wardrobe, not really the kind of fashion that Sehun would usually wear but it’s all in his size and there’s nothing else he could put on instead; he has no room to be picky.  
  
Sehun leaves the cottage and takes a little stone footpath that leads him down, away from the cliff-edge and the sea beyond it. He’s following the path for a little over ten minutes, taking in his surroundings as he goes, and eventually comes to a scenic little village; two lines of shops and cafés and the occasional old-fashioned tavern on each side of the one main road that runs straight through and off to whatever lies beyond this place. It’s busy but not crowded, the handful of tourists standing out amongst the residents by the way they seem to float randomly from shop to shop, whilst those who are no strangers to the town’s beauty walk with much more purpose.  
  
Sehun thinks he himself fits somewhere in between those groups.  
  
This place is very pretty, almost disarmingly so, but Sehun knows, by now, what he has to do. Jongin will be here somewhere and Sehun has to find him; that’s how all the worlds work. And, as per usual, he has no idea where to start.  
  
Checking inside shops seems like a good idea, so that's what Sehun does first. He goes into every shop on the right hand side of the road, pretending to browse a little in every one so he doesn't look suspicious hopping in and out of them all. No luck; Jongin isn't at the post office or the pub. He's nowhere near the little French restaurant (though Sehun isn't really surprised by this; none of the Jongins Sehun's ever known have been big fans of French food) and it's started to rain by the time Sehun reaches the dusty little book shop at the end of the road on this side. He doesn't have an umbrella or even a coat to wear, but Sehun pushes on anyway, darting across the road and speeding around shop after shop as the rain starts to fall harder and faster. Soon enough it's gotten downright unbearable -- big, fat bullets of water shooting down at him from the sky -- and Sehun has no choice but to duck into a nearby café for shelter, drenched to the bone.  
  
Sehun's too concerned with trying to wring the water out of his t-shirt to actually take a look around at first, but he supposes it figures that this unassuming little café is the one where he hears a very recognisable voice playfully calling; "Is it a bit wet out there?"  
  
Sehun's head snaps up immediately.  
  
There are a few customers dotted about the place that had turned to watch Sehun's watery entrance, but Sehun ignores all of them in favour of staring at one of the two men behind the counter--the one that called to him and is now grinning like a Cheshire Cat, distinctive and familiar and beautiful as ever. Not for the first time (and certainly not for the last), Sehun is suddenly overcome with waves of attraction and affection for Kim Jongin; literally the ray of sunshine Sehun needs on such a rainy day.  
  
And, not for the first time, Sehun finds himself somewhat speechless in front of the man he loves. "Uh-- yeah, a little. I'm- uh- looking for sanctuary."  
  
Jongin laughs, shooting a conspiratorial glance at his co-worker. "Well, you've gotta buy something if you want to hide out here."  
  
"What, seriously?" Sehun's eyes go wide as he approaches the counter slowly, patting his pockets and feeling an odd sort of mild panic rise up from within him. "But I don't- I don't have any money..."  
  
Jongin laughs again at Sehun's expression and his colleague rolls his eyes, stepping forward to help. "He's joking; you're free to stay as long as you like. There are toilets over there, as well, if you want to try and dry off a bit."  
  
"Oh- thank you," Sehun nods, following the direction the worker -- _Minseok_ , Jongin calls him when he calls the man out on being a ‘killjoy’ -- points him in and locking himself into a cubicle for some privacy while he tries to think how he's going to handle this.  
  
Jongin is here. Jongin is here and happy and healthy--at least he looks it. Friendly, too, which is a nice change from the timid anxiety-group-Jongin Sehun's just come from. He's practically perfect here -- _everything_ is perfect.  
  
And Sehun's terrified of what he can't see that will come to ruin it.  
  
Now, it's not like there's some sort of ultimate goal in each world Sehun gets tossed into. This isn't a video game; there's no Big Bad who has to be defeated before Sehun and Jongin can be together. They're normal lives Sehun lives through, but that's just the thing: this one doesn't seem normal. It's too pristine, too perfect. It doesn't seem real, doesn't seem like it could exist.  
  
There has to be a problem somewhere, Sehun just doesn't know what.  
  
But there's nothing he can do about the future right now, so Sehun forces himself to calm and focus on the task at hand: he's still completely soaked.  
  
Sehun then goes about dabbing at his skin with toilet roll and bends into odd positions beneath the electric hand drier in rather desperate attempts to catch the hot air, shaking his hair out and making odd noises to punctuate his efforts until he's more or less presentable. He checks himself over in the mirror once even if he knows he's a mess and steels himself before going out to the shop front again, body full of nerves despite how he's already met Jongin at least a million times before.  
  
(Of course, he’s never met _this_ Jongin before, but still.)  
  
"Ah, welcome back!" this world’s Jongin greets him as soon as Sehun reappears again, offering Sehun a small wave from where Jongin is leaning against the shop counter lazily. The rain's stopped and most of the customers have cleared out now, save for one or two who are still taking advantage of the free wifi, so Jongin's the only one left watching the shop front. He's still smiling. "Got yourself fixed up, now?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks," Sehun smiles back. "Have, uh... Have you guys had a busy day?"  
  
"Nah; no worse than it usually is," Jongin shrugs. "We're coming up to tourist season, though, so we should get more business soon... Pretty little place, isn't it? The town?"  
  
"Oh yeah, gorgeous," Sehun says honestly, "I've never seen anything like it."  
  
Jongin grins, obviously pleased with Sehun's answer. "Good! I'm glad you're enjoying it-- how long are you staying for?"  
  
Sehun frowns at him in confusion for a moment before he realises what Jongin means. "Oh! I'm not a tourist," Sehun laughs awkwardly, "I live here."  
  
"Really? I haven't seen you around," Jongin comments, frowning at Sehun as he obviously tries to remember ever seeing him before.  
  
Sehun tries not to fidget too much under the scrutiny. "I, uh... I'm new. Just moved in."  
  
"Oh! Well I hope to see you around here more often, then!" Jongin's smiling again; that easy, carefree grin that no doubt is to thank for half the business this place gets.  
  
Sehun can do nothing but smile back, feeling like Jongin has made his insides go all gooey for a moment. "Yeah! Definitely, I'll be back tomorrow. With money, this time."  
  
Jongin laughs at that and promises he'll save a slice of carrot cake for Sehun. Sehun doesn't like carrot cake, but he doesn't say that, just takes this as his cue to leave and heads out the door with another promise that he'll return the next day.  
  
He can't get the image of Jongin's smile out of his mind even after he's home, settling down in bed to sleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
---


	2. Chapter 2

  


  


~~~

  
  
  
The company wants to sign them.  
  
Their current agent tells them in a small meeting which takes place after the first shot the boys drink ( _for courage_ , Jongin says, since he insists he hasn't got the nerve to hear what their agent has to say without it) but before the countless others Sehun and Jongin drink in celebration. Sehun doesn't think Jongin would be able to quite believe it's true if he were sober, anyway; wouldn't be able to believe that, after all his years of hard work and dedication, he's been signed with the biggest modelling agency in the continent. In the world. Hell, by now S.M. is probably the biggest agency in the whole damn universe, and they wanted _Jongin_. Above all others, they chose to sign him, and Sehun's been thrown into the deal as well.  
  
There is no _way_ Jongin would believe that while sober.  
  
That’s how Sehun ends up as he is now; hauling Jongin through the entrance to Sehun’s apartment building while Jongin practically swings off Sehun’s arm, slurring his words and giggling in a drunken mess. Sehun’s not totally sober himself, but he’s nowhere as bad as Jongin is right now and he knows he more or less matched him for every drink--trust Jongin to be a complete and utter lightweight.  
  
“Look at us!” Jongin says excitedly, “World famous models! _World famous_! _Ha_!”  
  
“Not quite world famous, Jongin,” Sehun grunts, dragging Jongin into the elevator and letting him fall into a slump against the wall as Sehun all but punches the button for his floor. The elevator starts moving. “Not yet - we’ve still got a lot of work to do.”  
  
Jongin waves off his concern with a scoff. “Pah! We’ll do it, Sehun. We’ll get there. Together, yes?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sehun agrees absently, watching as the elevator doors open and reaching to pick Jongin up again. He’s somewhat surprised to find Jongin glaring at him already. “What?”  
  
“We’ll do it _together_ , Sehun, yes?” Jongin asks again, demands really; speaking slowly and clearly as if Sehun were the drunk, dumb one here.  
  
“Alright! Yes!” Sehun repeats, grabbing Jongin under his arms and walking them both out of the lift and down the corridor leading to Sehun’s apartment. It’s too late to take Jongin home now; he’ll just have to stay over tonight.  
  
“Good,” Jongin mutters, making no move to help as Sehun struggles with getting the door open. “That’s it, y’know. Us two together, now; we’re a team. Don’t you go leaving me behind, mister.”  
  
“I won’t.”  
  
“You’re my best friend, y’know.”  
  
“Aw, thanks.”  
  
“I mean it!”  
  
“I know you do!”  
  
“No you don’t!” Jongin insists, apparently feeling very strongly about this all of a sudden as he twists in Sehun’s grip, struggling and throwing Sehun off-balance as he tries to walk Jongin into the bedroom. “You have no _idea_ , Sehun!”  
  
“Okay, I’m sorry-!”  
  
“ _You have no idea_!”  
  
“Fuck, Jongin, stop it- we’re gonna fall!”  
  
Jongin ignores him, shaking his head as Sehun finally drags them into the room far enough so Jongin can be easily tossed back onto Sehun’s bed. He’s pretty light anyway, and in this state Jongin has pretty much no control over his feet; throwing him around is not a hard feat. “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be doing this with, Sehun. You hear me? No one in the _world_.”  
  
“That’s really nice, Jongin, thank you,” Sehun replies, cocking a hip as he stands by the bed and looks down at Jongin on it. He sighs. “You probably aren’t going to be able to brush your teeth like this, are you?”  
  
“I love you so much, Sehun, you have no idea.”  
  
“You could barely walk; I don’t think you’d be able to stand at the sink and brush your teeth. Or at the toilet to take a leak.”  
  
“Sehun, aren’t you listening to me? I said I love you!”  
  
“Although your teeth aren’t gonna stain after just one night, I guess... Just don’t piss the bed and you’ll be fine.”  
  
“ _Sehun_ -!”  
  
“Ugh I _know_ , Jongin!” Sehun snaps, the frustration and exhaustion finally starting to get to him. “You love me, I’m your best friend, I get it!”  
  
“Yes you _are_!” Jongin laughs, loud and high and happy, and Sehun rolls his eyes as he leaves to fetch a sick bucket, heart feeling heavy in his chest.  
  
It’s not that he’s angry at Jongin, even if he knows he probably sounded it. Of course, it’s nice to hear those things, nice to know that Sehun holds such a special place in Jongin’s heart, but it’s not the right place he’s been wanting to occupy and Sehun knows better, by now, than to take the ramblings that drip out of a drunken stupor as some kind of heartfelt confession. He’s made that mistake before and he isn’t up to repeating history again; what Jongin said just now doesn’t mean anything.  
  
Jongin probably won’t even remember it in the morning.  
  
“I brought you a bucket,” Sehun announces dully when he enters the room again, dumping it on the bedside table and moving to physically drag Jongin so his head is on the pillow and his feet are near the end of the bed, yanking the quilt out from under Jongin’s butt and covering him with it. All the while Jongin is muttering to himself and Sehun’s name comes up over and over again, but Sehun pays him no mind. Jongin doesn’t mean it. “Please do not piss in the bed or puke in the bed. Okay?”  
  
“You’re such a good friend…”  
  
“Jongin.”  
  
“My best friend…”  
  
“Jongin if you do anything to my bed I won’t be your best friend any more, I mean it,” Sehun warns, nodding solemnly at Jongin’s horrified expression. “Yeah, that’s right. I’ll be someone else’s best friend.”  
  
Jongin gasps, lurching up and scrabbling at Sehun’s hands desperately. “ _No_!”  
  
Sehun jumps away from Jongin’s grasp, still nodding. “Yes! I will, I mean it. So don’t shit the bed. Okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Jongin mumbles, looking distressed at the very thought of living the rest of his life Sehun-less, and snuggles down into the protective warmth of Sehun’s bed for a second before suddenly looking up again. “Hey… Come here…”  
  
Sehun narrows his eyes suspiciously. “Why?”  
  
“Just come here...”  
  
“No, what do you want?”  
  
There’s a beat of silence. “...A hug.”  
  
“A hug?”  
  
“I want a hug.”  
  
“No, you stink. Go to sleep.”  
  
“But _Sehun_ -!”  
  
“Nope! Sleep!” Sehun commands, grabbing one of the spare blankets from the bottom of his double bed and dragging it out to the couch in the living room, arranging the pillows and getting ready to sleep for the night.  
  
He’s not worried about Jongin being there, even if Sehun can’t guarantee that the next time he wakes up in this world it’ll be tomorrow. Sehun skips days sometimes - no more than two or three at a time - and when he wakes up again he has no memory of what happened in the universe during his absence. He never seems to have been absent, though; apparently no one notices a difference from when he was here, and if they do it’s never mentioned in conversation. Sehun wonders how all this works, sometimes; wonders if there’s another him somewhere -- a million copies of Sehun -- who are all bouncing around these worlds Sehun calls home, all living the days Sehun misses, all living the same life over and over.  
  
He finds it quite a scary thought.  
  
“Sehun _please_!” Jongin’s still whining, even after Sehun’s turned off all the lights and settled into his own makeshift bed.  
  
Sehun rolls his eyes into the darkness. “ _No_.”  
  
“Don’t you love me?!”  
  
“Not right now, no. Go to sleep; you’re drunk.”  
  
“But I love you, Sehun,” Jongin says, and this time Sehun doesn’t reply. In the dark Jongin’s almost believable -- it almost sounds like he’s not sleepy and inebriated, like he knows exactly what he’s saying and he means every word of it. In the dark, it’s harder to ignore the tugging of Sehun’s heart because that’s all he’s ever wanted. Jongin is all he’s ever wanted. Jongin himself doesn’t seem to be thinking so hard about everything, though, as a second later he demands, “ _Sehun_!”  
  
“Fine, Jongin, I love you too!” Sehun replies, listening to Jongin’s pleased, drunken giggle and rolling his eyes fondly. His heart still hurts with the kind of sadness that can’t be sent away with mere words, but Sehun smiles as he falls asleep that night, and he believes he dreams of Jongin.  
  
  


###

  
  
  
It’s time. Today’s the day, the countdown’s over; the squad is ready to be sent away, straight into enemy territory, and Sehun feels an odd sort of excitement knowing that this is where he’s probably going to die.  
  
Or, not excitement. That’s not the right word -- it’s more like apprehension. Fright. That flutter in Sehun’s tummy is foreboding, not anticipation; Sehun does not _want_ to die.  
  
He does wonder, though. It’s nothing more than morbid curiosity, of course, but he does wonder what it would be like. Will he die like a hero? In the heat of battle, adrenaline pumping so hard he hardly even feels his own demise? He’s been training so goddamn long, Sehun feels like if he has to die then he’d better go out with a bang; anything else would be so… Anti-climatic.  
  
Sehun thinks that, if he has to die in this world, he better be saving Jongin’s life in the process.  
  
That’s what he’s thinking about when they’ve clambered into the truck that’s taking them to the border, taking them to war. From there they’ll be on their own, travelling on foot to try and locate the enemy.  
  
Sehun doesn’t know why it’s necessary. The men in charge must already know where the enemy lies; Sehun sees their own bomber planes flying overhead almost every day. Sehun doesn’t know why they have to do this, but he doesn’t ask -- it seems it would be pointless, no one here knows much about anything any more.  
  
That’s what Sehun’s thinking about as the truck trundles down sandy dirt tracks and odd patches of jungle, and he’s so lost in his thoughts it takes Yixing at least three shouts of Sehun’s name to snap him out of it.  
  
“Hey! You alright there, soldier?” Yixing asks, wearing a sort of knowing grin as if he knows something he shouldn’t. At least, he thinks he does.  
  
“Yeah, I’m just…” Sehun makes an incomprehensible hand gesture at his own head. “Daydreaming.”  
  
Yixing raises his eyebrows playfully. “Yeah? What about?”  
  
Sehun tries not to look like he thinks Yixing’s _too_ stupid when he replies; “Uh, war? That is where we’re going, after all.”  
  
Yixing snorts a laugh. “War. Yeah, alright. Carry on, then.”  
  
Sehun squints at him a little but doesn’t reply again, just sits back and stares up at the canopy stretched above them as they ride. There’s a loaded rifle against Sehun’s leg and a world of terror outside that’s probably not safe for Sehun and the three other men in this little truck to be so loose and distracted in, but it’s Yixing who’s riding with them, not Yifan, so they can get away with a bit more.  
  
Yixing is Yifan’s right hand man, the next highest authority in their squad down from Yifan, their sergeant. Yixing’s cool. He’s almost alarmingly casual for an army officer, ‘letting them off easy’ probably more than he should, except for when it matters. Yixing always knows when something matters -- he’s never been wrong before -- and Sehun supposes that comes from experience after being in the armed forces for so long.  
  
Yixing’s one of the lucky ones who actually wanted to fight when he signed up for this, and Sehun thinks that’s probably why he’s so good to soldiers like Sehun and Jongin; he knows they never wanted this.  
  
The same can’t be said for Yifan, unfortunately, but _someone_ has to keep the men in order and Yifan is very good at that. Sehun likes Yifan a lot, too, he just doesn’t admit it as much.  
  
“You nervous?” Yixing asks gently, drawing Sehun’s wandering gaze back to his eyes.  
  
Sehun bites his lip and shrugs one shoulder. “Shouldn’t I be?”  
  
Yixing offers him a small, supportive smile. “We won’t let anything happen to you, y’know. Not if we can help it.”  
  
“I know, I don’t care about that,” Sehun replies, pulling a face.  
  
Yixing’s smile stretches so a dimple appears in his cheek. “Well we won’t let anything happen to him, either, so you can stop worrying.”  
  
Yixing nods across to where Jongin is sat beside Sehun, fast asleep with his head resting on Sehun’s shoulder. Yixing speaks without even the shadow of a doubt that he might be wrong, like Sehun’s love for Jongin is so obvious it might as well be written across Sehun’s forehead, and the realisation that he hasn’t been as inconspicuous as he thought has Sehun sucking in a sharp breath.  
  
He doesn’t know how well they like gay relationships in the army.  
  
Sehun jerks like he’s going to try and run, leap out of the truck and go rolling in the dirt rather than admit this dirty little secret to Yixing, and Yixing’s hands fly up as if he’s trying to soothe a spooked animal. “Hey! Don’t worry- calm down, I’m not going to report you. It’s fine, we don’t care.”  
  
Yixing keeps his voice quiet so as not to wake Jongin or the other man in their truck, sleeping also and snoring unattractively every so often. Sehun clenches his jaw, heart racing in his chest. “How do you know?”  
  
“I just had a feeling,” Yixing admits, “I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that.”  
  
“You’re not going to report me?” Sehun asks.  
  
Yixing scoffs. “Of course not! What are we gonna do with you out here--shoot you?” Sehun just shrugs. Yixing lets out a sigh. “Well, we’re not. I don’t care and Yifan won’t either, just make sure it doesn’t get in the way of the job, alright? If anything happens you can’t endanger the rest of us for him. Remember where you are.”  
  
“What? Of course I won’t!”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“ _Yes_!”  
  
“Good,” Yixing comments, an authoritative tone slipping into his voice. “Make sure you stick to your word, then.” Sehun mutters ‘ _okay_ ’ quietly, still kind of shell shocked from the suddenness of this conversation, and a silence follows. Yixing looks perfectly at ease, as always, but Sehun feels twitchy and tense.  
  
If Yixing knows, who else will have figured it out? What will they do? Sehun doesn’t care what happens to him, really, but he doesn’t want any of this hurting Jongin. Oh, fuck--what if Jongin knows?!  
  
“You can sleep if you want.”  
  
Once again Yixing’s voice yanks Sehun out of his headspace. Sehun shakes his head. “I’m fine, thanks.”  
  
Yixing frowns at him. “Aren’t you tired? You should sleep - we’re safe here, trust me; it’s still our territory.”  
  
“If I sleep I might miss something,” Sehun tells him.  
  
“Sehun, this might be the best sleep you get in a long time,” Yixing says quietly, honestly, looking at his hands where they’re laid flat in his lap.  
  
Sehun frowns. “But this truck isn’t exactly comfortable, I mean-”  
  
“Exactly,” Yixing cuts him off, eyes flashing up to meet Sehun’s gaze seriously. “So you should take my advice. Sleep.”  
  
He knows there’s no point - he’ll still be tired regardless - but Sehun doesn’t want to disobey. He likes Yixing too much to refuse his help like this.  
  
Slowly, with a sigh, Sehun rests his head on top of Jongin’s and lets himself drift off to sleep.  
  
  


\---

  
  
  
"So," Jongin starts, and Sehun stops what he's doing to look at him curiously.  
  
"What?"  
  
He woke up from wartime-Jongin’s world still a little tense, still walking on edge from the conversation with Yixing, but that was hours ago now. Sehun's lived his whole day; got up, listened to Dabin talk endlessly about her pony figurines (of which Sehun knows all their names, though whether he actually, willingly wanted to learn them or not is debatable), went to work and came home, like always. It was his turn to cook dinner for his family, then he was sat watching television with them for most of the evening, resting comfortably against his husband whenever Jongin wasn't being marched off to play _Barbies_ with Dabin. Now it's bedtime for the adults -- Dabin's been sound asleep for almost three hours already -- and Yixing is perhaps the farthest thing from Sehun's mind right now. He's over it.  
  
So Sehun can fix this Jongin with his full attention as they're stood on their respective sides of the bed, getting ready to sleep. Jongin continues pulling the quilt back and fluffing his pillow into shape without looking at Sehun once, acting like Sehun isn’t there at all until eventually he continues with; "I met Dabin's new class teacher today."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Sehun invites Jongin to continue with smugness evident in his voice already. He thinks back to the discussion yesterday morning and prepares to begin an elaborate victory dance when he finds out he was right -- which he must be, since Jongin wouldn't bother bringing it up if not.  
  
"Mr. Park. He seems nice," Jongin comments lightly, avoiding Sehun's gaze and the subject at hand more determinedly, it seems.  
  
Sehun's grin just gets wider. "Yeah? What you talk about?"  
  
"Apparently," Jongin sighs, "everyone in the class had to tell Mr. Park something about themselves--so he can get to know them, y'know? Well, apparently our Dabinnie chose to share that she's got two daddies instead of one daddy and a mummy."  
  
Sehun nods slowly, raising an eyebrow at how long Jongin’s taking to get to the point. He wonders if Jongin is really just that reluctant to let Sehun be right, or if there’s a more important issue here. "He spoke to you about that? What, did he want to complain that it was 'inappropriate' or something?"  
  
"Oh, no! Nothing like that," Jongin shakes his head, "actually he just wanted to introduce himself. I think he hoped to make friends."  
  
"And why would he pick out one of Dabin's daddies to be friends with, specifically?"  
  
Jongin lets out a huff, muttering almost under his breath as he begrudgingly admits; "Because he's gay."  
  
" _Ha_!" Sehun laughs, clapping his hands victoriously and throwing one of his pillows up into the air in celebration. He knew he’d be right. "So, what, was he trying to come on to you or something?"  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes, like he thinks that people being attracted to him is something ridiculous which would never happen in real life. Sehun makes a note to point out Jongin’s many potential suitors to him next time; people come to flirt with him often, whether Sehun is there or not. "No. He just said he's new to the area so he doesn't know anybody, and he'd like to get to know his students’ parents a bit better. Specifically us, because it’s nice to have ‘ _people like him_ ’ around. I think he thinks this town will be a lot less accepting than it actually is--but I guess it’s okay to want some kind of support system...? I dunno."  
  
Sehun snorts a laugh. “So, Dabin’s new teacher wants us to be his gay best friends?”  
  
“Basically, yeah.”  
  
“Amazing.”  
  
“You don’t mind it, though, right? He does seem nice.”  
  
“Sure,” Sehun shrugs, unbuttoning his shirt and watching idly as Jongin does the same opposite him. “We can support him, whatever. You’re the one who’s gonna see him every day when you pick Dabin up, anyway, so…”  
  
Jongin hums in acknowledgement. “You have a point. He does seem really nice, though. Friendly.”  
  
Jongin speaks in a way that sounds almost wistful, staring down at the sheets blindly like he’s getting lost in his thoughts of the teacher. It makes Sehun laugh. “Wow, you do sound like you like him. Have I got something to worry about here, hmm?”  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”  
  
“What’s he look like? Real easy on the eyes?”  
  
“Sehun. Shut up.”  
  
“I’m curious!” Sehun insists, shit-eating grin on his face, shirtless now but reaching for his pyjama shirt. “What’s Mr. Park like?”  
  
Jongin narrows his eyes at Sehun like he’s in trouble but replies anyway. “He’s not my type.”  
  
Sehun _tsk_ s exaggeratedly as he pulls the pyjama shirt over his head and sits on the edge of the bed with his back to Jongin so he can put on his trousers. He carries on talking and he knows he’s being annoying, now, but that’s kind of become the point; Sehun likes how Jongin gets when he’s like this. “You’re just boring. You meet a hot teacher and you don’t even share the details-”  
  
“Sehun, please stop talking.”  
  
“-Like, what if I wanted to fuck him? I could have a thing for teachers, you just wouldn’t know because you’re a-”  
  
Sehun is suddenly cut off by a strong hand grabbing him by the shoulder and yanking so Sehun ends up flat on his back across the bed, looking up at Jongin’s upside-down face hovering over him with raised eyebrows. “Sehun,” Jongin repeats, “shut up.”  
  
Sehun smirks. “Make me.”  
  
Jongin doesn’t need another invitation.  
  
He ducks down immediately to suck Sehun’s bottom lip into his mouth, biting down ever so slightly and kissing him like he means it, like he knows Sehun likes it. Sehun lets out a groan, giving back all he gets although it’s difficult to kiss Jongin while Sehun’s laid all upside-down like this and not get spit everywhere. There’s no coordination; eventually Sehun gets tired and pushes Jongin off, only to right himself and jump right back onto his husband again.  
  
It’s not every night they get to do this. Granted, it’s more of a regular thing now than it was when Dabin was still a baby and wouldn’t sleep through the night, but they’re still busy men. Early mornings, tough jobs and long working hours mean some nights they’ll come home and simply be too exhausted to get intimate like this. When the nights where they’re not too tired for sex do come around, though, Sehun always makes sure to take advantage of it.  
  
Just like tonight.  
  
He was barely wearing anything to begin with, being halfway through the process of getting undressed, but soon Sehun’s in nothing but his thin pyjama shirt, the material all bunched up around his chest from where Jongin’s pushed it back in order to get at the flat, firm planes of Sehun’s stomach. That’s what Jongin is currently mouthing at, sucking a dark mark by the side of Sehun’s belly button because Jongin never really grew out of the teenage fixation with leaving hickeys.  
  
(Sehun doesn’t complain, though, because deep down he never really grew out of it, either.)  
  
Once Jongin’s satisfied with the mark he’s made he moves down, kissing Sehun’s skin with a passion reminiscent of worship all the way, until he reaches Sehun’s hard cock, ruddy and dark against Sehun’s pale skin. Sehun’s watching him now and Jongin obviously knows that, judging by the way he glances up to meet Sehun’s eyes impishly before taking the head of Sehun’s dick into his mouth and sucking hard.  
  
Sehun lets his head fall back with a groan, lifting his hips into the heat of Jongin’s mouth until Jongin holds him down again, preferring to bob his head at his own pace. Jongin likes to do the work here, he always has, and Sehun’s never had a problem with sitting back and enjoying it because he knows that’s what Jongin wants. Jongin wants to make Sehun feel good, to know he’s giving Sehun what he wants, and considering the way Jongin’s rubbing a hand against his own crotch it must be just as arousing for him as it is for his husband.  
  
It’s Jongin’s turn to be on bottom tonight and they both know it, but when Jongin pulls off Sehun’s dick and reaches for the bottle of lube in the bedside table drawer, Sehun bats his hand away and gets it for himself instead. Jongin smirks against Sehun’s mouth and pulls back just far enough to raise his eyebrows at him. “What are we doing?”  
  
“It’s your turn to top,” Sehun lies, somewhat breathlessly.  
  
Jongin grins. “Really? Is that right?”  
  
“Yes,” Sehun breathes, leaning up to nip at Jongin’s lower lip as if that’ll convince him. “Please, please…”  
  
“Okay,” Jongin chuckles gently, stroking a hand down Sehun’s thigh. Both the sound and the contact go straight to Sehun’s cock. “I got you, I got you...”  
  
“Good, now touch me,” Sehun demands.  
  
Jongin laughs again, taking the lube out of Sehun’s hand and pouring some over his fingers before reaching down to Sehun’s entrance. They both know this kind of careful preparation isn’t completely necessary, and usually they just go with the bare minimum, but they have time tonight and Sehun likes it. Likes the build up, likes to be touched--he’d do it for Jongin, too, but Jongin doesn’t allow Sehun to prep him any more. Last time they tried it, Jongin finished almost shockingly fast, effectively wounding his pride and prompting him to stop Sehun from ever fingering Jongin before sex again. (If there’s no sex to follow it, of course, then it’s okay.)  
  
But Sehun prides himself on his ability to hold out, so he gets to enjoy this to the full until he decides he’s had enough; he wants Jongin’s dick in him. Now.  
  
Jongin obliges, immediately ridding himself of the rest of his clothes and pulling Sehun’s shirt down so it covers his torso again, removing any sort of obstruction to Sehun’s mouth so Jongin can lean down and kiss him hard. Sehun breaks the kiss when Jongin finally pushes into him, letting out a long, drawn-out moan as Jongin’s hips start rolling languidly, in and out. The pace quickly picks up until the force of Jongin’s thrusts are starting to push Sehun up the mattress, so that he has to brace his hands against the headboard to keep himself in one place.  
  
And Sehun doesn't stop him. Of course not; this is what he wants. Passion, love in its most primal form... Sehun won't ever admit this out loud, but he's a bit of a romantic at heart. Not a lot -- not nearly as much as some of the Jongins Sehun has met in other worlds -- but it’s there. Sehun wants to be wanted, wants Jongin to pant Sehun's name against sweaty skin, wants to know that it's him and only him that has this effect on Jongin.  
  
And he knows he probably shouldn't say this, but this Jongin is his favourite out of them all. This Jongin is faithful, loving -- this Jongin is everything Sehun's ever wanted and if he could trade every other world just for this one, Sehun would. In a heartbeat. This is the man he loves, right here, and Sehun tells him so; whispers it with hitched breaths and muted whimpers. Jongin moves to kiss him almost immediately and that's how Sehun knows Jongin heard him. That's how Jongin tells him; _I love you, too_.  
  
It's late by the time they're finished, cleaning up lazily before falling into bed to sleep. Jongin tries to spoon Sehun and here Sehun does kick up a fuss, because he's been little spoon two nights in a row already and Jongin's not stealing a third. Jongin whines loudly at the idea of switching but is consoled by a few sweet kisses, eventually allowing Sehun to curl himself around Jongin and press his lips to the back of Jongin's shoulder. Sehun tightens his arms around Jongin's middle and closes his eyes as he feels Jongin's hands fold over Sehun's affectionately; Sehun falls asleep with a smile.  
  
  


***

  
  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Jongin flinches a little when Sehun speaks, even though Sehun makes sure to keep his voice low and unalarming. It’s only now that Sehun realises this probably wasn’t such a good idea, pretty much ambushing Jongin while he’s alone at the refreshments table in the community centre, but it’s too late to go back now. The support group’s session is up, half of the people attending have left already and Sehun doesn’t know when an opportunity like this will come again.  
  
He needs to talk to Jongin.  
  
And, luckily for Sehun, Jongin isn’t scared off by his sudden arrival. Not too much, anyway; Jongin simply offers Sehun a shaky smile and shuffles to the end of the table subtly. “Hello.”  
  
Silence falls almost immediately. Jongin seems to be actively trying to ignore Sehun--or even worse, pretend Sehun isn’t even there--and Sehun doesn’t miss the way that, as the seconds tick by, his hands tremble slightly as he pours himself some orange juice into a styrofoam cup. Jongin starts to steal glances at Sehun, as if trying to understand why Sehun’s stood there beside him without doing anything, and Sehun decides it’s probably best to try and initiate real conversation before Jongin starts to think the worst.  
  
“I really liked what you said today,” Sehun offers quietly, trying to match Jongin’s shy body language in an attempt at making him feel a little more comfortable. “About your experience with your... You’re really… I think you’re really amazing. Inspirational.”  
  
Sehun can practically see the change in Jongin as he realises that Sehun isn’t there to cause him any harm. He actually smiles a little, but doesn’t look up from the juice. “Oh! Oh… Aha, thank you…”  
  
“You’re welcome!” Sehun smiles back, picking up a cup for himself but then deciding against it and leaving it on the corner edge of the table. “I’m Sehun, by the way. Oh Sehun.”  
  
“Kim Jongin,” Jongin tells him quietly. He doesn’t offer Sehun a hand to shake, doesn’t even meet his eyes.  
  
Sehun presses on regardless. “So, how long have you been coming to the group?”  
  
“I-”  
  
“Still here?” Byun Baekhyun jumps in then, quite literally charges between them, all bundled up in his big coat and scarf, and starts helping himself to a drink. Or, that’s what it looks like to begin with; all Baekhyun really does is grab the cup Sehun put down and places it back where the rest have been laid out, tweaking them so the lines are straighter and the jugs of water are in line with the bottles of cordial and-- “I thought you’d have been the first out, Jongin! You usually are.”  
  
It takes Jongin a moment to reply; Sehun wonders if he’s maybe a little intimidated by this loud, finicky character. “I needed a drink…”  
  
“That’s nice,” Baekhyun comments. He doesn’t even try to act like he was listening, just finishes with his reorganisation of the table and stands back to admire his work with a satisfied sigh. “There. Nice to keep things a bit neat, isn’t it?”  
  
Sehun pulls a face. “I thought it looked neat enough to begin with…”  
  
“Well I made it look better,” Baekhyun announces, clapping Sehun on the back cheerily twice before spinning on his heel and heading out the door, tossing a quick, presumably satirical “ _cheerio!_ ” over his shoulder.  
  
Baekhyun seems to have vanished just as quickly as he appeared; Sehun feels like he’s missed something. “What the…?”  
  
“Baekhyun,” Jongin murmurs quietly, like that’s all the explanation needed, and when Sehun looks back he sees that Jongin’s actually smiling, eyes trained on the door where Baekhyun just left.  
  
Sehun raises his eyebrows with interest. “Is he your friend?”  
  
Jongin hums, taking a moment to consider the question while he chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully. Eventually, he says, “Not… Not _really_...” Sehun then waits for him to explain instead of asking anything more, and slowly Jongin does. “He’s been coming here for a long time… A bit longer than me, he… He’s very confident…” Here Jongin drops his gaze to the ground again, clearly embarrassed, but thankfully he doesn’t stop talking. “I used to try to… Try to be like him, I guess… Pick some things up to help me get over my problems, y’know? Yeah… He’s not- we’re not really friends, but...”  
  
“But he’s a pretty nice guy?” Sehun offers.  
  
Jongin shuts his mouth immediately, withdrawing as if Sehun finishing the sentence for him has put him off speaking any more, but he nods to agree anyway.  
  
"Well that's good!" Sehun comments, "It's nice that, y'know, everybody has such a good support system here. You seem like good people."  
  
Jongin nods again, a shy little smile twitching at his lips. "People here... They're not so bad once you give them a chance," he says quietly, "I've learned that."  
  
Sehun smiles at him. "That's good. That's really good."  
  
"Ah, thank you," Jongin really smiles this time, (and it _is_ real, no matter how small) but it drops immediately when he steals a glance at the clock on the wall and realises the time. "Oh, I- I'm so sorry but I- I have to-"  
  
"Oh, by all means!" Sehun steps back so Jongin has a clear pathway to the door. Jongin heads for it immediately. "It was really nice talking to you!"  
  
Jongin just nods and murmurs something in reply once he's reached the door, smiling shyly again, but he's too far away and speaking too softly so Sehun doesn't hear it. He just hopes it was something good. Some progress, at least.  
  
All Sehun wants is progress.  
  
  


+++

  
  
  
Sehun reaches the café in the early afternoon, just after the lunchtime rush by the looks of things. Sehun's entrance is announced by the bell that rings when the door is opened, and when Jongin looks up at him from behind the counter, he smiles.  
  
Jongin remembers him. Sehun tells himself this isn't a little bit exciting.  
  
Sehun strolls up to the counter with much more confidence than when he was last here and glances at the big menu on the wall behind Jongin's head nonchalantly. "So, what have you got for me?"  
  
"What looks good?" Jongin asks with a voice like he's not talking about the food at all and Sehun meets his gaze with narrowed eyes. Jongin bursts into laughter. "Hello again."  
  
Sehun considers keeping up the unimpressed act, but eventually allows himself to grin back. "Hey there."  
  
"Not all wet today?" Jongin asks cheekily.  
  
"Completely dry!" Sehun announces proudly, raising his arms as if to show Jongin his perfectly rain-less clothes. "And I have money, too."  
  
"Brilliant."  
  
"So what's the best thing you serve?" Sehun asks, pretending to be serious again. "And choose your recommendation carefully, or I won't be coming back again."  
  
Jongin snorts, playing along perfectly. “Well we don’t want that, do we? Well, I dunno… The paninis are good.”  
  
“Paninis? Is that all?”  
  
“The chocolate-chip muffins are also delicious.”  
  
“I see… What if I’m not hungry?”  
  
“Then we just got a brand new coffee machine,” Jongin offers, looking very impressed, “It has _twelve settings_.”  
  
“ _Twelve_ settings?!” Sehun gasps in mock amazement. Jongin laughs again. “I’d better not miss out, then. I’ll just have a latte or something, please.”  
  
Jongin grins at him. “Good choice. Are you taking it away or will you hang around the shop and keep me company for a while?”  
  
Sehun stops for a split second, eyes widening slightly at the offer. He doesn’t want to think like it’s a date, because Jongin is at work and Sehun is a grown man (in this universe, at least) and he shouldn’t be feeling like some sort of inexperienced teenager whenever he comes here, but to Sehun it sort of sounds like a date. (He hopes it’s a date.) “Uh. I’ll stay?”  
  
Then Jongin grins at him like Sehun’s just single-handedly made his day and Sehun definitely feels like a teenager as he goes to sit at a table nearby, repressing a smile and trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach.  
  
This has to be a date.  
  
Sehun stays there for almost two and a half hours, talking and laughing with Jongin as Sehun works his way through two lattes and a muffin. (Jongin was right; they are wonderful.) Sehun only leaves when the shop starts to get busy again, promising to return again soon and try one of those paninis Jongin suggested. Jongin just laughs.  
  
It’s all fine up until the point where Sehun is halfway out the door and glances back at Jongin for one last time. There's a gap in the customers while one man collects his order and a woman stops to decide what she wants. Jongin subtly checks his phone during the pause and suddenly Sehun sees his smile fall; he looks like the ground has been whipped out from beneath his feet, he seems to stop breathing at all. Sehun feels his own stomach drop at the sight - he almost turns back to ask what's wrong with him, to see if he can help, but then the woman steps forwards to order and Jongin pastes the smile back on immediately, slipping his phone back into his pocket like nothing ever happened.  
  
Sehun lingers a few moments more but he doesn't go back. He doesn’t need to; Jongin doesn't look at him again and he doesn't stop smiling for the rest of the time Sehun is there.  
  
It's like nothing ever happened.  
  
  


~~~

  
  
  
Their first shoot for S.M. arrives in the blink of an eye. Literally, in Sehun’s case; the next time he wakes in this world it’s the big day already, three days after the night Jongin stayed over. Having a job so soon seems a little weird to Sehun, and it probably is unusual, but he and Jongin are pretty hot right now so they have to work a lot more than they used to to stay relevant. They’re being made to do things a lot faster, too, but Sehun supposes that’s to be expected. They’re in the big leagues now; the boys’ contracts have already been signed, payment already discussed. Everything moves faster nowadays, and neither Sehun nor Jongin can afford not to keep up.  
  
Sehun thinks they’re doing pretty well, all in all. They were driven to the shoot early that morning and arrived with plenty of time to spare, which was largely spent meeting all their co-workers for this shoot. There are quite a few of them there, all signed under S.M. but with varying years of experience under their belts, all looking very bored with the setup that must now be an everyday encounter for them but all very friendly and eager to meet their new label mates. Jongin’s just as excited to know them -- apparently he’s been following the work of every single one of them for years (which Sehun honestly doubts, but still supposes could be true since Jongin already knows everybody’s name before they’ve even opened their mouths to introduce themselves) -- whereas Sehun’s just happy to be there. Or, happy that Jongin is there; Sehun can’t pretend that he enjoys the busyness of the scene any more than he used to, whether he’s with a big label now or not. Still, he tolerates it.  
  
Somewhat unsurprisingly, Jongin proves to be a bigger hit with the other models than Sehun does.  
  
Jongin also seems to be a hit with one of the company directors who’s come to oversee the shoot. He hangs around Jongin a lot; watches him when he’s posing for the camera, talks to Jongin quietly at every chance he gets, follows Jongin with his eyes as Jongin crosses the room.  
  
Sehun presumes the attention is good. It’s good to get noticed by the higher-ups in the company; then they can relay good things back to the big boss and might be able to open up new opportunities for Jongin’s career to move forward. Sehun thinks this is a good sign.  
  
The other models in the dressing room seem to think other things.  
  
“They never send in the important guys to watch over shoots unless someone’s getting fired or there’s new blood they’re still not sure about,” Jung Soojung comments frankly, crossing one leg over the other where she sits on the couch while a girl named Choi Jinri is busy texting on her phone beside her. “Either way, it’s bad news for one of us.”  
  
“Not me,” another model, a man named Kim Jonghyun, sings from where he stands at the door, watching Jongin and two other models -- Lee Taemin and Im Yoona -- pose for their shots. Sehun faintly hears the photographer shout at someone and Jonghyun lets out a snort of laughter before turning around to face the room. “They still want me in Japan.” He looks at Soojung and frowns. “And didn’t you just get a raise?”  
  
Soojung gapes a little. “You heard about that already?”  
  
“Taemin,” Jonghyun says, as if that’s all the explanation that’s needed, then looks out of the door one more time before turning his attention to Sehun. “But, yeah. We’re doing fine so he’s probably here to check you out.”  
  
Sehun grimaces. “Is that good or bad?”  
  
“Oh, terrible,” Jinri says without looking up from her phone. “He’s gonna tell them awful things about you -- you’re probably going to get blacklisted from the industry.”  
  
Sehun’s eyes go wide. “What, seriously?!”  
  
“She’s joking,” Seo Joohyun walks in then, apparently at just the right moment to send Jinri a disapproving look. “You’ll be fine; it’s very rare that they’ll cut someone so quickly, and you and Jongin are doing perfectly well anyway. Don’t worry about it.”  
  
Sehun calms immediately after hearing her words, but his muttered “thanks” is drowned out by Jonghyun letting out a cheer, slinging his arm around the shoulder of Taemin comfortably as the three who were posing make their way back inside the dressing room.  
  
“Is that it, then?” Jonghyun asks, “Are they done with us?”  
  
“I think they’re just checking a few things then they’ll let us go,” Taemin nods, reaching to touch Jongin’s arm as he passes and offering him an encouraging smile. “Hey, good job out there.”  
  
“Yeah, you did really well for a rookie!” Yoona gives him a wink and Sehun frowns when Jongin returns it with only a little smile.  
  
“Ah. Thanks,” he murmurs, not ungratefully, but not with the same enthusiasm he’d usually have.  
  
Jongin goes to Sehun’s side of the room, where both of their bags are, and his troubled look sets Sehun on edge. “What happened? What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing, just…” Jongin trails off, chewing on the inside of his cheek with something like annoyance before turning to look at Sehun seriously. “Does that director guy talk to you a lot?”  
  
Sehun blinks. “He hasn’t said a word to me since we met him. Why?”  
  
“He keeps coming over to me,” Jongin explains, lowering his voice to a hiss so the others won’t overhear them. “And just- like- _talking_ to me, I don’t even-”  
  
“Apparently that’s a good thing, though?” Sehun tells him and Jongin falls silent. “These guys were telling me-- he’s here to check us out, make sure we’re good enough. If he likes you, surely he’ll say good things when he reports back to the big bosses? I mean… It’s just talking, right?”  
  
Jongin just looks at Sehun for a moment, like Sehun’s completely missing the point and Jongin wants to tell him more but his pride won’t let him. Just a moment, though; next second the look’s gone, Jongin starts rooting through his bag again and avoids Sehun’s gaze entirely. “Yeah. Okay.”  
  
Sehun considers pushing the issue, but Jongin’s never liked that so he doesn’t. Sehun doesn’t have time to, anyway; he and Soojung are quickly called out to redo a shot the photographer wants to try one more time, and so the next time Sehun sees Jongin is when Sehun’s walking out of the dressing room, all clean and fresh again, ready to go home. The company director is here, too, stood close to Jongin and murmuring something that Jongin doesn’t look all too comfortable with, but he lets it happen. Sehun frowns.  
  
Then the director reaches up to touch Jongin’s face, trailing a finger down his jaw softly and so swiftly Sehun could have blinked and missed it, but Sehun did not blink. Sehun saw it. Sehun has to fight the sudden urge to rip the director’s arm off.  
  
“ _What the hell was that_?” Sehun hisses as soon as the man’s stalked off, leaving Jongin alone.  
  
Jongin blinks at him innocently. “What?”  
  
“Why did he touch your face?!”  
  
Jongin hesitates for a split second before saying; “I must have missed some makeup or something. It’s fine.” Sehun’s still staring at him with narrowed eyes and that’s when Jongin laughs. “What, are you jealous?” It’s just a light-hearted joke but Sehun’s face falls immediately. Jongin continues, “It’s fine, Sehun, he was just being friendly. He’s gone now, anyway--let’s just go home, yeah?”  
  
Then Sehun closes his mouth and allows Jongin to steer him towards the car that’s taking them back to their respective apartment buildings. He keeps replaying the whatever-it-was with Jongin and the director but Sehun doesn’t push it, no matter how much he fucking wants to.  
  
  


###

  
  
  
There’s not much fighting in war, Sehun learns.  
  
Not that he can see, anyway; they’ve been behind enemy lines for almost twelve hours now, trekking through this foreign landscape with heavy equipment and heavier guns, but not one shot has been fired. It’s not like Sehun is complaining, of course -- he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, enemy or not -- but still, he expected more than this.  
  
The squadron is marching along a dirt road which runs alongside a huge forest, moving in two lines on either side of it, weapons in hand and plenty of space in between each soldier, supposedly so they’ll be harder to hit if the enemy should appear and start shooting. Naturally Yifan and Yixing are at the head of the group, alert and ready as always, and as Sehun watches them he can’t help but feel a deep respect and admiration for what they do. He remembers when he was training for this, in the food hall with Jongin and all the other boys and men who were soon-to-be soldiers, and hearing the whispers that began when word got out that Yixing and Yifan -- two Chinese men -- were to be the leaders of this squadron.  
  
People were angered by it. They said that foreigners had no right to be ordering around ‘ _our troops_ ’ -- that they’d ‘ _just lead us to our deaths_ ’ -- but Sehun wonders how many of those angry, outspoken men could do what these two foreigners are doing right now. It’s a scary place to be, a battleground, and Sehun always thought those people were too quick to forget that under all the grandeur and glory of being a ‘war hero’.  
  
Sehun is just thankful that Jongin never listened to those foul mutterings. Sehun remembers sitting with him, on Sehun’s bunk in the evenings or early morning, and listening to Jongin rant quietly about those who were against Yixing and Yifan just because of where they came from. Sehun remembers Jongin going out of his way to be good to them, to help them whenever he could, and because Jongin was doing it Sehun (who usually tends to allow himself to sit in ignorance, paying no mind to these kinds of things because he’s just too concerned with everything else in his many lives) did too. And he’s glad, for that. Sehun’s glad he had Jongin, because Jongin makes him a better person--in every single universe, he does, and Sehun doesn’t think he could love Jongin any more than he already does.  
  
Thinking about this has Sehun glancing back over his shoulder, at where Jongin is walking along behind him. Jongin’s clearly zoned out a little, is just staring at the ground they walk on as the squad moves, and Sehun snickers quietly at Jongin’s vacant expression. Jongin notices that, though, and looks up at Sehun first in surprise, then with a playful little scowl.  
  
‘ _Eyes ahead_ ,’ Jongin mouths. Sehun grins and shakes his head in response; Jongin snorts a laugh despite himself, having to glance a little further ahead for a moment just to be sure that neither of their leaders heard him. ‘ _Pay attention, Sehun. You’re gonna get in trouble!_ ’  
  
“ _You’ll protect me_!” Sehun whispers back cheekily, and Jongin laughs a little louder at that.  
  
Unfortunately, this time Yifan does look back at them, and fixes both Sehun and Jongin with a disapproving look. “Focus, boys. Distractions are what’ll kill you, out here.”  
  
“Sorry, sir,” Sehun and Jongin respond humbly, facing forwards for as long as Yifan is still watching them, only for Sehun to look back at Jongin again as soon as Yifan’s back is turned. ‘ _He got us!_ ’  
  
‘ _Told you so!_ ’ Jongin shakes his head in mock disappointment and Sehun grins.  
  
He looks away from Jongin and decides to actually do his job, then, since Yifan is right and they really shouldn’t be getting distracted, but Sehun thinks that’s a little difficult to do when someone like Kim Jongin is so close. (And secretly, privately, Sehun thinks that this Jongin, with his sweetness and compassion, might be the one he’s falling for a little bit harder than he did for any of the others, combined.)  
  
  
  
  
---


	3. Chapter 3

  


  


\---

  
  
As a kid, Sehun had always hated Parents’ Evening.  
  
Back when he was younger, before any of this universe-hopping business started, Sehun used to loathe the very thought of school Parents’ Evenings, because they never ever went well for him. He’d never liked school, was never particularly good at it, and that reflected in his behaviour in lessons. Long story short; Sehun was a naughty child, and boy did his teachers like to rat him out on it.  
  
Nowadays, though, Sehun doesn’t mind Parents’ Evenings so much. In fact, he quite enjoys them, but that’s probably down to the fact that he has such an amazing child. Dabin has only been in education for a few years but she’s been consistently adored by her teachers, constantly performing well for her age and more than once Sehun and Jongin have been complimented on her ‘good manners and grace’. It’s all very exciting for the only gay parents in town, to the point where Parents’ Evenings have become more or less the night where Jongin and Sehun get to hear people tell them what great parents they are, and there is almost always the promise of a few rounds of mind-blowing sex later on to celebrate that fact. Parents’ Evenings are, in Sehun’s opinion, a sort of tribute to what he and Jongin are as a unit, as two hearts combined, and to what they have achieved together, with success taking shape in the form of their daughter.  
  
That’s why Sehun is more than a little confused when, this year, the event is less about Sehun-and-Jongin-and-Dabin and more about Jongin alone.  
  
Or, should he say, Jongin-and-Dabin’s-new-teacher-Park-Chanyeol.  
  
Sehun left Jongin in the queue for Park Chanyeol’s class for just a few minutes, because Sehun had to take Dabin on a toilet run, and Jongin had agreed not to move until the pair of them come back. When they do return, however, it’s to find that Jongin has already sat himself down at the little table Chanyeol has set up, and is already laughing and joking happily with Dabin’s teacher like they’re old friends. Sehun frowns at the sight but doesn’t allow himself to think anything of it, simply lifts Dabin up and goes to sit in the chair by Jongin’s side, introducing himself and apologising for being late while Dabin settles herself more comfortably in Sehun’s lap. (There’s another chair right beside them, but evidently Dabin likes to sit with Papa more, and Sehun has never been able to say ‘no’ to that face.)  
  
“Oh, don’t worry about it!” Park Chanyeol waves off Sehun’s apologies with a friendly smile, reaching over the table to shake Sehun’s hand politely before sitting back and throwing a cheeky, somewhat conspiratorial grin at Jongin. “We were just having a bit of a discussion while we waited; it’s no trouble at all.”  
  
“Oh yeah? About what?” Sehun asks, looking between Jongin and Chanyeol curiously.  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes like he’s annoyed, but Sehun knows him well enough to see that it’s an act. Besides, there’s no mistaking that curve to Jongin’s lips; he’s clearly enjoying himself. “I told Chanyeo- Mr. Park, sorry, to read the autobiography of that singer I like, Do Kyungsoo?” Sehun nods to signal that he knows who Jongin is talking about and Jongin continues. “Yeah, well, Mr. Park, here, seemed to think it was quite a happy recollection of his life, but any sane person could see that it _obviously_ wasn’t.”  
  
“It was!” Chanyeol argues with a laugh.  
  
Jongin rounds on him like he’s mad, but as he speaks Jongin is grinning too. “It was not! It was _so sad_ -!”  
  
“He got to live his dream!”  
  
“His family _died_ and he got _depression_!”  
  
“Not forever! And it said he smiled a lot-- didn’t he smile a lot?” Chanyeol suddenly asks, directing his question towards Sehun this time and taking him a little off-guard.  
  
After taking a moment to reorganise himself, Sehun just shrugs in response, shaking his head slowly. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t try to hide behind Dabin a little bit; the girl herself doesn’t seem to mind, anyway, she’s just watching the adults bicker with a look of odd wonder on her face. “I haven’t read it, so I don’t know,” Sehun explains lamely, and that seems to deflate Jongin and Chanyeol’s enthusiasm for arguing a little bit, but Sehun doesn’t feel any better for it. If anything, he just feels sort of confused -- if this book was such a big deal, wouldn’t Jongin have recommended that Sehun read it at some point before? Why does this strange teacher get to share things with Sehun’s husband that Sehun himself does not?  
  
Sehun wants to mull over these thoughts for a little longer, but it’s then that the topic finally turns to Dabin’s performance in school so he doesn’t get the chance to. Not for a few minutes, at least, which seems to be the maximum amount of time Jongin and Chanyeol can go without getting distracted by one ‘in-joke’ or another that they’ve created without Sehun knowing.  
  
(And honestly, the whole situation is making Sehun a little jealous, even if he knows it’s awfully immature for him to feel that way. He and Jongin both have plenty of friends in this universe -- admittedly, Jongin more than Sehun, but that’s never been a problem before. It wouldn’t be a problem now, either, but Sehun doesn’t like the way Chanyeol is paying more attention to Sehun’s husband than he is to Sehun’s daughter. He is getting paid to teach her, after all -- for a moment Sehun considers filing a formal complaint, but decides the grief he’d get from Jongin just isn’t worth it.)  
  
“So- Mr. Park,” Sehun begins, cutting through whatever irrelevant topic they’re veering onto now and firmly drawing the conversation back on track. He’s almost painfully aware of the queue of people waiting for their appointments with Chanyeol, and Sehun doesn’t want to waste any more of anyone’s time with Jongin and Chanyeol’s meaningless spiel. “You said our Dabinnie needs to work on her subtractions?”  
  
“Ah! Yes,” Chanyeol seems to almost visibly snap into teacher mode again, linking his hands together and nodding his head seriously. “She can add numbers perfectly, but taking away she struggles with sometimes. Maybe you could try encouraging her to practise at home and help her along the way?”  
  
“That sounds like a great idea, thank you!” Sehun smiles pleasantly, standing up with Dabin still held firmly in the crook of his right arm and reaching to shake Chanyeol’s hand with the other. “And thank you so much for seeing us! It’s been great to finally meet you.”  
  
Sehun’s clearly forcing the meeting to a swift end, and Jongin looks a little confused by his husband’s behaviour but does not comment on it, simply gets to his feet also and shakes Chanyeol’s hand once Sehun’s done with him. “I- I guess we’re going, then,” Jongin laughs, “I’ll see you on Monday, Chanyeol…?”  
  
“As always,” Chanyeol grins. He’s got a face full of teeth -- Sehun stops himself from wondering what Mr. Park would look like with them all knocked out. “Three-thirty, remember, Jongin - don’t be late!”  
  
Jongin laughs like it’s the funniest joke in the world and Sehun doesn’t even bother to hide his eye-roll, just nudges Jongin’s elbow lightly and turns to leave with a; “Thank you, Mr. Park.”  
  
Chanyeol waves him off. “Oh, please! Call me Chanyeol.”  
  
Sehun fixes the teacher with a decidedly unimpressed look. “ _Thank you_ , Mr. Park.”  
  
He all but pulls Jongin away from the table, then, sending an apologetic smile to the other parents who’ve had to wait through Jongin and Chanyeol’s social meeting. The smile quickly turns to a scowl, though, as soon as they’ve reached the school gates, and Sehun puts Dabin down so she can walk along with them before he turns his irritation on Jongin.  
  
“What was that?!”  
  
Jongin looks at Sehun like he’s genuinely clueless. “...What?”  
  
Sehun can’t think of the words to describe it, so he just flaps his hand in the direction of the school for a moment instead. “All… _That_! With Dabin’s teacher!”  
  
Jongin frowns in confusion. “Yeah, I told you I’ve become pretty good friends with the guy. So?” Sehun splutters again, struggling to think of something to say, and Jongin rolls his eyes. “Why are you jealous?”  
  
“I’m not!”  
  
“Sehun.”  
  
“I’m not jealous!” Sehun insists, “I just don’t think it’s very appropriate for you to have that sort of relationship with our daughter’s school teacher. You’re closer than I thought -- people might start suspecting things. What if someone complains that he’s showing Dabin some kind of favouritism?”  
  
Jongin rolls his eyes again like Sehun is being stupid. “No one will complain.”  
  
“Oh come on; in any situation like this someone will _always_ complain.”  
  
“You don’t need to be worried!” Jongin insists as they reach the car. Jongin unlocks it so Sehun can strap Dabin into her booster seat in the back, then once she’s safely out of earshot the two men finish their conversation, looking over the roof from either side of the vehicle. “Firstly Chanyeol is a professional, but more importantly there is _nothing_ for you to be worried about! I love you, you idiot; Chanyeol is just a friend.”  
  
A part of Sehun doesn’t want to give the argument up, but he does anyway since a more rational side of him is saying that if he doesn’t then Jongin is only going to get angry. So Sehun lets his shoulders slump and nods guiltily, like he’s accepting Jongin’s words with everything he’s got. “Right. You’re right; I’m sorry.”  
  
“You never get like this,” Jongin points out, concerned now. “Is everything okay?”  
  
Sehun hates that Jongin asks that question as if there’s more than one answer Sehun can offer him, but he doesn’t say that. Sehun doesn’t say that, actually, he’s kind of off-balance from the universe with model-Jongin and that director, because something is telling him that there’s something going on but then that Jongin is saying nothing is.  
  
Kind of like this Jongin, Sehun thinks bitterly, but he doesn’t say that, either.  
  
How can he?  
  
What Sehun does say is; “Of course! Why wouldn’t it be?” and he smiles like everything’s perfect. It annoys him that Jongin smiles back and accepts what Sehun’s said as the truth, even when it clearly isn’t, but Sehun doesn’t say that. For the whole ride home, Sehun doesn’t say a word.  
  


***

  
  
The irritation from that universe follows Sehun into the next when he goes to sleep that night, but he tells himself he has to shake it off because that’s gone, for now. This world is different, and so is the Jongin Sehun is going to meet at ‘Anxiety Group’ later, so Sehun has to clear his head and approach the day like nothing is wrong.  
  
He’s more successful at doing that than he thought he would be, which is good.  
  
Throughout the day Sehun makes an effort to distance himself from his emotions; he does his work at the shop (which is mind-numbing as it is, so proves to be a great help in getting Sehun to his goal) and as soon as the clock hits five he’s gone, driving across the city to the community centre where they all gather. Traffic is light today so Sehun gets there earlier than he usually does and is pleasantly surprised to find that Jongin and Zitao are already outside, talking quietly amongst themselves while they wait for six o’clock to come.  
  
Sehun makes his way over to them with a smile and a wave. “Hey!”  
  
“Hi, Sehun,” Zitao offers a polite little smile back. Jongin smiles, too, but his greeting is too quiet to be heard.  
  
Doesn’t matter, though, Sehun thinks; Jongin does look happy to see him, and that’s the main thing. “Getting colder, isn’t it?” Sehun comments, nodding towards Zitao’s woolly scarf as if to prove his point and causing Zitao to reach up and touch it like he didn’t realise it was there.  
  
“Oh, yeah,” Zitao agrees, looking embarrassed though Sehun doesn’t really know why. “Winter’s on its way, I suppose.”  
  
“And Christmas,” Sehun nods, allowing himself to get a little excited at the thought of it. He loves Christmas. “Are you excited?”  
  
Sehun directs this question to Jongin in particular, this time, and finally gets a response from him. Jongin smiles shyly and nods. “It’s my favourite time of year, I think…”  
  
“Me too,” Sehun grins, “my-” _daughter_ , Sehun almost says, but stops himself, faltering for a moment before thinking of a lie to continue on with; “My friend has a little girl named Dabin, and she absolutely _loves_ Christmas. She stays up past her bedtime looking for Santa and she thinks we don’t realise.”  
  
“Oh, do you spend Christmas with your friends, then?” Zitao asks then, not unkindly or like he doesn’t believe Sehun’s story, but it makes Sehun nervous anyway.  
  
“Uh, yeah!” Sehun nods, “We- uh. We’re really close.”  
  
They seem to buy it, and Sehun is thankful for that, but not as thankful as he is for the arrival of the group leader who unlocks the doors to the community centre and ushers the three of them inside to help set up for the support group. Other people arrive steadily after that, and Sehun doesn’t get another chance to talk nor embarrass himself in front of Jongin further until the session is over.  
  
Sehun sees Jongin go for the refreshments table again and takes this as his chance to move them on to something, here.  
  
“Hey, Jongin!”  
  
Jongin flinches very slightly at Sehun’s sudden arrival, but he doesn’t move away this time. Still no eye contact, but that’s okay, Sehun tells himself; it’s a process. “Oh, hello.”  
  
“How are you?” Sehun asks, deciding it’s best to work up to his real question and going for the standard.  
  
Jongin smiles and glances up at Sehun for a split second before looking down again. “Fine, thank you. And you?”  
  
“Good, thanks,” Sehun replies automatically, then he goes for the plunge; “So, Jongin, I was wondering if you might want to go out for a drink with me some time soon? Whenever you’re free, of course.”  
  
Jongin’s eyes go wide and he looks up at Sehun properly, finally, but with an expression similar to a deer in headlights. “I’m sorry...?”  
  
“Just, y’know, as friends?” Sehun offers, realising now that he might have tried to move this Jongin too fast. “I thought it would be fun.”  
  
“Um, I don’t know if… If I can, I-”  
  
“Oh, of course! If you’re busy…” Sehun practically hands Jongin the excuse on a plate, and Jongin does not hesitate to grab it.  
  
“I think I will be too busy,” Jongin agrees, shuffling back towards the exit even as he talks but looking no less terrified. “Maybe some other time!”  
  
Sehun doesn’t even have time to respond before Jongin’s gone, slipped away like water, and Sehun’s left alone in the community centre. He heaves a sigh and runs a hand over his face, rubbing at his temple and grimacing at his own stupidity.  
  
So, this Jongin is scared of him, now.  
  
Fan-freaking-tastic.  
  


+++

  
  
Sehun is in the café where Jongin works, can of cola and a half-eaten panini on the table before him, newspaper in hand, minding his business and reading today’s stories in between stealing glances of Jongin over the top of the paper. It’s a perfectly normal day; Jongin serves customers, jokes around with Minseok and sometimes calls over to Sehun when there aren’t many other people around, asking for updates about this news story or that celebrity or even Sehun himself, if the mood strikes him.  
  
Apparently this Jongin has decided that, since Sehun spends so much time here every day, Sehun is now ‘one of them’ and is frequently included on Jongin and Minseok’s conversations. Sehun hides his smiles and tries to act like he’s merely amused by Jongin, like one would be with a particularly enthusiastic dog, but he can tell by Jongin’s face that he knows Sehun likes it.  
  
Sehun really, really likes it.  
  
Sehun’s never actually seen this universe’s Jongin stop smiling before, which is something Sehun only realises the first time it happens. The event (if it can even be considered an event, since it’s so quick and quiet that Sehun is certain he’d have missed it if he didn’t already watch Jongin so closely) begins with a man walking into the café and over to the counter. The man is somewhat unremarkable; delicate features, pretty face, maybe, but Sehun would pay no attention to him whatsoever if it weren’t for Jongin’s reaction.  
  
At first, Jongin is smiling. Murmurs a quiet “hey” which sounds oddly intimate and familiar for someone who’s just another customer, then the man gets closer to the counter and leans over it a little, so he’s closer to Jongin. The man starts talking, hushed and fast so it’s damn near impossible to eavesdrop on them, and that’s when Jongin’s smile falls.  
  
Sehun frowns and lowers his newspaper slightly.  
  
He then watches what can only be an argument between Jongin and this stranger -- an argument that Jongin appears to be losing, if the kicked-puppy expression he’s wearing is any indication. Eventually Jongin must feel Sehun’s gaze on him because he glances up and meets Sehun’s eyes for a split second before looking back at the man before him, straightening up and away from him again while shaking his head.  
  
‘ _Not here_.’ Sehun sees Jongin’s lips form the words even though he can’t hear him, and the man at the counter scoffs bitterly. Jongin whines, stepping forwards and reaching out to catch the man’s arm apologetically, but it’s already too late; the man turns and walks away, straight back out the door to the street outside the café. Not once does he stop or look back.  
  
Jongin looks devastated.  
  
Jongin glances up at Sehun once more, as if to check whether or not he’s still watching, and upon finding that Sehun is, Jongin forces a dull, half-hearted smile onto his face before walking through the swinging door marked ‘STAFF ONLY’. A moment later, Minseok appears to take Jongin’s place, and Jongin does not emerge again.  
  
Sehun frowns and wonders who on earth that man could have been, and what he could want with Jongin that would make him seem so sad.  
  


~~~

  
  
It’s almost eleven o’clock in the evening when Sehun hears a knock on his hotel room door. He’s in bed, wearing nothing but his grey boxers and the hotel’s complimentary, pink silk dressing gown (which he has on only for comedic effect, or so he’ll say if anyone asks) with ‘ _Bridget Jones’ Diary_ ’ playing on tv before him. He knows how ridiculous he probably looks right now, but he’s ridiculously comfortable and quite literally nothing in the world could make him want to move; for a minute Sehun seriously considers pretending to be asleep or dead or something, just so the visitor will go away. But, by the third knock, Sehun’s conscience gets the better of him and he rolls himself out of the bed before trudging over to the door with a sigh.  
  
“Yeah-? Oh! Hey,” Sehun raises his eyebrows curiously at the sight of Jongin in the corridor, holding a bottle of champagne in his hands and wearing a sheepish smile on his face. “What’s up?”  
  
“I, uh-” Jongin coughs awkwardly, ducking his head and holding the champagne out to Sehun more insistently so that Sehun has no choice but to take it from him. “I came to apologise,” Jongin admits, “and to win back your forgiveness with alcohol and the chance to spend the night in my company! I-if you want to, I mean.”  
  
Sehun rolls his eyes but steps back to make room for him in the doorway anyway. “Come in, loser. What are you even apologising for?”  
  
He shouldn’t ask, really, because they both know what it is already. They came here to this hotel for a photoshoot; staying over for tonight so that they could be on set until the late hours of today and be up to shoot at the crack of dawn tomorrow. They don’t know anyone who’s working on this shoot, don’t have any friends apart from each other but Sehun didn’t think that would be a problem, didn’t think it would bother him until Jongin decided to branch out and socialise. Now, Sehun knows that, in this business, knowing the right people and making connections is important. He knows that, if anyone, Sehun was the one doing the wrong thing; moping on his own and spending every moment he wasn’t under the eye of the camera lens staring down at his phone screen instead of talking to people, but still. It kind of felt like abandonment on Jongin’s part, and that kind of hurt.  
  
Sehun didn’t mention it, though. There would be no way to do so without sounding like an insecure teenager, and Sehun is an adult; he’ll be over it by the time this shoot wraps up. He doesn’t even think his body language gave any indication that he was at all upset, back there.  
  
He’s obviously wrong, though, if Jongin noticed it so easily. Or perhaps this Jongin just knows Sehun a lot better than Sehun thought he did.  
  
“I’m apologising for ditching you earlier,” Jongin explains, tossing his jacket across the room before throwing himself onto Sehun’s bed like he belongs there. Sehun wonders if Jongin’s not a little bit drunk already; he’s pretty sure he heard something about Jongin going for a few drinks with some of the crew members after the shoot. “And I’m making up for it now.”  
  
Sehun scoffs and goes to join him, taking the champagne along as well. “With booze?”  
  
“With booze!” Jongin agrees joyfully, slanting a look at Sehun’s pink silk dressing gown and raising his eyebrow cheekily. “Wow, I like it. The colour suits you.”  
  
“It came with the room,” Sehun tells him, shoving at Jongin’s shoulder lightly. “You’ve probably got one as well, dickbag.”  
  
“Alright, sure it did. And a- wait, are you even _wearing anything_ under that?!”  
  
“I didn’t know you were coming; I thought clothing was optional!” Sehun argues before pulling at the band of his underwear as if to prove that it is there and Sehun’s not just lazing about the room, naked. “And I _am_ wearing something, so you can stop staring now.”  
  
Jongin laughs at that, leaning closer to Sehun playfully. He’s so close, in fact, that Sehun can feel Jongin’s breath fan across Sehun’s cheeks when Jongin talks and, not for the first time, Sehun has to remind himself that this is not a Jongin he can just lean in and kiss when he wants to.  
  
Jongin talks to Sehun playfully, like he has no idea of the effect he’s having. “Don’t you like it when I stare? You are a _model_ , after all; you’re made to be looked at!”  
  
“Piss off,” Sehun advises his friend, pushing Jongin away with two fingers on his forehead and reaching for the champagne as a distraction for the both of them. He’s pretty sure there’s no way Jongin can know how much faster Sehun’s heart has started beating, but Sehun’s always wary of the possibility of Jongin having super-sensitive hearing or something. In these worlds, Sehun figures, anything could happen. “And if you’re gonna stay, make yourself useful; we need something to open this bottle with.”  
  
The night continues as their nights together usually do. They drink their champagne from the bottle, having finally managed to crack it open using a corkscrew they called up from the hotel’s 24-hour room service, and the two of them watch the television in companionable silence for a while. By the time the hours are bleeding past midnight and the shows they’re watching get progressively worse in quality, the champagne bottle is almost empty and both Sehun and Jongin are considerably more drunk than they were when this started. Soon the TV is being ignored completely, left to play to itself idly in the background while Jongin and Sehun lie beside each other on the bed and talk in soft words as time ticks by.  
  
“Is this what you wanted?” Jongin asks at one point, in a low murmur that is barely more than a whisper.  
  
Sehun frowns up at the ceiling. “What do you mean?”  
  
“ _This_ ,” Jongin repeats, holding his hands out above him, palms turned out in some grand gesture that Sehun guesses is supposed to represent this whole world of industry they’ve fallen into. “ _Modelling_. Did you even want to do this?”  
  
Sehun shrugs, letting out a yawn. “It’s what you wanted.”  
  
“That’s not what I asked.”  
  
“Why do you care?” Sehun laughs, only just aware in his inebriated state that they could be entering dangerous territory with this conversation. He needs to be careful not to let any secrets about the other worlds slip -- he really shouldn’t have had that last mouthful of champagne.  
  
Jongin pulls a face. “What do you mean, ‘ _why do I care_ ’? Of course I care.”  
  
Sehun snorts. “Yeah, alright.”  
  
“I do!”  
  
“Okay!” Sehun laughs again, a sort of childish giggle that he won’t admit to in the morning because Sehun is of the opinion that men at his age shouldn’t still be able to make noises like that. “God, you’re… Argumentative when you’re drunk.”  
  
Jongin ignores that comment, though, just shifts onto his side and props himself up on his elbow so he’s looking down at Sehun. From this close up Jongin’s lips look soft and his eyes are heavy-lidded, still wearing the remnants of today’s shoot’s makeup. It’s late and they’re both drunk, but Jongin is still taking Sehun’s breath away.  
  
“Why do you think I don’t care about you?” Jongin asks gently, like he’s genuinely curious, and Sehun finds he doesn’t have an answer for that. He’s kind of embarrassed, too, what with the way Jongin’s looking at him so intently, but when Sehun tries to turn his face away Jongin just reaches over and softly pulls him back. Sehun takes a breath and forces himself to meet Jongin’s eyes, the colours rich and beautiful; the eyes of the man Sehun’s loved over a million universes and more.  
  
Sehun’s heart is hammering in his chest like it’s trying to escape into Jongin’s very hands. He sees Jongin lean in, settles his own head back against the pillow and lets his eyes slip shut like he knows what’s coming, but still Sehun isn’t expecting Jongin to kiss him.  
  
And what a kiss it is.  
  
It’s soft, tender. Romantic, Sehun thinks, and this might just be him reading too much into things because they’re both drunk and right now no one is thinking straight but Sehun thinks Jongin is kissing him like he loves him. Sehun thinks that, finally, this Jongin is in love with him.  
  
A sudden stab of guilt makes Sehun take a sharp breath in, hands flying up to Jongin’s shoulders as if to push him off, but Sehun stops himself just in time before he messes this up. He feels like he’s cheating on his husband, the other Jongin Sehun is married to in another universe, but his head keeps telling him that he knows he’s not. That Jongin doesn’t even exist here -- besides, is it even possible to cheat on a man when the person you’re sleeping with is just another version of themselves?  
  
Sehun doesn’t know, and he’s not totally sure whether he should feel guilty or not but the doubt is enough for him to press against Jongin’s shoulders, push him off a little, and breathe; “ _Jongin_ …”  
  
It sounds like a question, and Sehun supposes it is. That’s what this Jongin interprets it to be, as well; he just doesn’t answer the right one.  
  
“I’ve seen the way you look at me,” Jongin whispers, hovering over Sehun like there’s room for him to escape but boxing him in with Jongin’s arms either side of his head like he wants to trap Sehun there. “I’m not stupid, Sehun, I know how you feel about me. You… You want this, don’t you?”  
  
_Does he_? “Yes,” Sehun says, because he does, but there’s an uncomfortable weight in his stomach nonetheless. He can’t stop thinking about the other Jongin… That is, until Jongin leans down to kiss him again and bites down on Sehun’s bottom lip in a way which sends thrills shooting up Sehun’s spine, at which point any thought other than _I want this I want this I want this_ is chased out of his head.  
  
The way they kiss now is a far cry from the first one they shared. This Jongin is rough with his hands and with his lips, taking all that he wants from Sehun and leaving Sehun scrabbling a little to keep up. There's no teasing, no real build-up; Jongin slips his hand into the folds of Sehun's bathrobe and touches his chest, his stomach before pushing Sehun's boxers of the way and wrapping his hand around Sehun's cock. Sehun chokes on air a little at the touch but hurries to follow suit, fumbling with the button on Jongin's jeans a little before taking hold of him.  
  
They kiss just as fervently while they're jacking each other off, breaking apart only long enough for Jongin to drag his shirt off over his head and kick his jeans to the floor, taking his underwear with them. Sehun moves to kiss him again immediately but Jongin pulls away after only a second, taking his hand off Sehun's dick and settling back on the bed.  
  
"Suck me off," Jongin commands with a voice that's a little breathless and hoarse, and Sehun finds himself unable to do anything but obey.  
  
He starts to kiss down Jongin's body, worship him like Sehun thinks someone as beautiful as Jongin is deserves. But this Jongin is impatient and pushes his hips up into the air insistently until Sehun takes Jongin's cock into his mouth and somewhere, far in the back of Sehun's mind, he has the thought that the Jongin he is married to all those worlds away would never treat him like this.  
  
The Jongin he's married to would stroke through Sehun's hair and let out soft little sighs and groans that are like music to Sehun's ears. The Jongin Sehun is married to would refuse to take his eyes off Sehun while he's going down on him; because, Jongin told him once, Sehun's beautiful no matter what he does, and when they're intimate like that Jongin just can't take his eyes off him. (Sehun found this cheesy at the time and he still rolls his eyes at it now, but he appreciates the tenderness his husband was trying to show him nonetheless.)  
  
This Jongin doesn't do that.  
  
This Jongin fucks up into Sehun's mouth, head rolled back to the sky, moaning like there aren't other people in the hotel rooms either side. Like Jongin doesn't know they could wake up and hear him, or maybe he just doesn't care. This Jongin grabs Sehun's hair and holds it tight, panting and gasping his name like it's something dirty; a curse. This Jongin is rough, and it's not like it's not a turn on, not like Sehun isn't enjoying it, it’s just not what he’s used to from any of the Jongins he’s been with.  
  
(And he doesn’t mean to compare, honestly, but Sehun can’t help it. The differences are almost shocking, too big to ignore, and out of every bizarre thing that goes on in Sehun’s life this is the one that he just can’t seem to get his head around. It’s amazing how everything about each Jongin he encounters is so different -- from the texture of their hands to the noises they make in bed. They’re so dissimilar, in fact, that Sehun idly wonders if anyone could really blame him for picking favourites.)  
  
This Jongin doesn’t soften his actions at all when they finally do fuck. He pulls Sehun off his dick without warning and motions for him to face the wall, on his knees with his hands braced on the headboard, ass in the air. Sehun does it with little hesitation, letting the dressing gown slip off his shoulders like water as he goes and taking a deep breath to prepare himself.  
  
Jongin doesn’t do much waiting around. Within seconds, it seems, he’s grabbed everything they need from the pockets of his jeans, got a condom on and covered himself in lube, lining his cock up with Sehun’s entrance and preparing to push in. If Sehun were a little less distracted, he’d probably wonder why the hell Jongin seems so well-prepared when, as far as Sehun knows, this is a spontaneous thing that neither of them planned for, but as it stands Sehun’s far too preoccupied to focus on the details because Jongin is pushing in and it’s slow and tight and hot hot _hot_ and Sehun can barely think straight. The noises he’s making are loud -- even louder than Jongin was a moment ago -- and Jongin only gives Sehun a moment to adjust to the dick that’s in his ass before he starts driving in and out of him, hard and fast.  
  
Sehun’s never had sex like this. Everything’s quick and rough; they’re not making love right now, they’re _fucking_ , and Jongin tells him so, leaning forwards so he’s curled over Sehun’s back, growling dirty things into Sehun’s ear as Jongin’s hips slap against Sehun’s ass obscenely. Sehun’s orgasm hits him like a punch in the gut, long and drawn out before he can even notice that Jongin has barely even touched him yet. Jongin fucks him through it, still desperately working towards his own release, and when he finally gets there Jongin groans, sucking a dark mark into the side of Sehun’s neck.  
  
Later, when Jongin’s gone back to the hotel room their stylists will go to find him in tomorrow morning, Sehun will see that mark in the bathroom mirror and feel a sudden rush of anxiety. What if the Jongin he’s married to sees it and realises he’s not the one that put it there? Or the Jongin from the support group spots it and gets the wrong idea? Or the Jongin from the coffee shop... What is Sehun supposed to do then? These marks don’t disappear as Sehun switches universes; they’re a part of him, carried around like little souvenirs from the worlds Sehun’s been to. They fade over time, of course, but if the switches happen like they usually do Sehun’s only going to see his husband in a matter of days.  
  
Just the thought of it and what Sehun’s done will be enough to make him feel sick, later when he’s alone. Right now he and the Jongin from this world fall into a heap on the bed, chests heaving and bodies sated, but later Sehun will meet his own eyes in the mirror and wonder why this didn’t feel like he thought it would at all.  
  


###

  
  
It’s the same day as any other. Another dirt road, the squadron marching in two lines at either side of it. Although this time Jongin and Sehun have been made to walk opposite one another, right behind Yifan and Yixing under the assumption that it will stop them from distracting each other so easily today, the slight change doesn’t make much of a difference; everything stays the same in this world, but while it’s boring Sehun’s started to take comfort from it. After all, every over universe feels pretty fucked.  
  
Sehun must be wearing one miserable expression as he walks and for a moment he almost wishes he could see it for himself, because when he feels Jongin’s eyes on him and looks up to meet them Sehun’s certain he’s never seen so much concern written on Jongin’s face before. Sehun raises his eyebrows in a silent question and Jongin just frowns.  
  
‘ _You okay?_ ’ he mouths. Sehun nods ‘yes’, trying for a weak attempt at a smile, and Jongin smiles back but still insists on miming; ‘ _Do you need a hug?_ ’  
  
This earns a real grin from Sehun, who shakes his head at Jongin playfully. ‘ _I’m fine, thank you!_ ’  
  
Jongin gives Sehun a thumbs up, which is quickly returned, and the pair of them grin hugely at each other from across the road, like children. Sehun loves when Jongin’s happy like this; eyes squeezed so they’re almost shut and crinkling at the corners, teeth on show in an expression of pure joy. It’s amazing that even in a war zone, Sehun thinks, Jongin can still smile like that. Like the whole world is a paradise.  
  
Sehun looks at Jongin’s face and thinks that he’s never seen anything so beautiful.  
  
That’s when the first bomb drops.  
  
It takes a mere second. One moment they’re walking along the road, everything peaceful and quiet around them, and the next Sehun feels himself being lifted and flung from his path, landing in the dirt nearby as his comrades scream around him. He can feel the skin on his left side -- the side where the bomb dropped, the side where Jongin and Yifan were marching -- burning and he’s pretty sure the slick liquid he feels is blood, but Sehun can’t think about that right now. The shock of the fall has paralysed Sehun’s body for a little while and he starts to panic, struggling desperately to regain control of his own bones as he stares up into the sky and sees enemy planes flying in, attacking from above.  
  
_Jongin_.  
  
The name is the first and only thought that sounds in his head; loud, repeating over and over like a heartbeat. Sehun needs to find him; they need to get out of here.  
  
“Yifan?! _Yifan_!”  
  
Through the screams and terrified yelling of the other soldiers in Sehun’s squadron he makes out a familiar voice nearby. Sehun forces his head to turn and swears he feels his heart break when he sees Yixing, bloody and clearly injured, kneeling over the lifeless body of their squad leader--  
  
But that’s nothing compared to what Sehun feels when his eyes reach Jongin’s body lying belly-up nearby, perfect tan skin stained with blood.  
  
He’s not moving.  
  
There are more bombs dropping nearby, deafening and devastating as they tear up the ground but that’s nothing compared to the destruction in Sehun’s heart as fear grips every fibre of his being and he sends out a prayer to every god he’s ever heard of to please, _please_ don’t let this be happening. Sehun drags himself over to Jongin, shaking and weak, choking on sobs and pleas for what he’s seeing to not be real.  
  
“No, Jongin, no- wake up!” Sehun begs, forcing himself up onto his knees and moving over Jongin’s body as if to shield him from any more harm, even though Sehun already knows it’s too late. He can see now that the bomb hit close to Jongin, too close; he’s barely recognisable.  
  
“Jongin we have to go,” Sehun whimpers, hands trembling uncontrollably but he cups Jongin’s face as gently as he can, trying desperately to wake him. When a tender touch doesn’t work, Sehun tries to shake Jongin’s shoulders. When that fails, a punch.  
  
It’s useless.  
  
Before Sehun knows it, he’s screaming. “Jongin, wake _up_! _Please_!”  
  
“Sehun, we have to go,” Yixing’s speaking in his ear then, taking hold of Sehun’s shoulders and trying to draw him away to the safety of the nearby forest where the rest of the squadron have run for shelter. Sehun can hear more planes approaching but he can’t think properly, can’t concentrate on anything past _he’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not_ \- “Sehun it’s too late for them!” Yixing’s the one pleading now. “We have to run, _now_!”  
  
“ _No_! I won’t leave him!” Sehun shouts, almost hysterically as Yixing pulls again. Sehun shoves him off and throws himself over Jongin’s body, clinging to him and choking on his own sobs, squeezing his eyes tight shut like he can somehow block this all out. “I can’t leave him, he’s _not dead_ -!”  
  
“ _Sehun_ -!” Yixing yells, scrabbling at Sehun’s back again, but whatever he says next is cut off by the bomb that drops, less than two feet beside them.  
  
Sehun feels the weight of Yixing’s hands disappear from his body at the same moment Sehun’s body recognises the odd sensation of flying -- or is he floating? -- before everything goes black.  
  
  
  
  
  
---


	4. Chapter 4

  


  


\---

  
  
Sehun wakes up and he’s screaming.  
  
He opens his eyes but he can’t see anything except pitch black space -- he thinks he might have died but all he cares about is Jongin. Jongin’s smile, Jongin’s blood-stained body-- the memories just send Sehun that bit further over the edge of blind panic and for a moment he doesn’t even register the strong arms around his body or the familiar voice in his ear.  
  
“Sehun, what’s wrong?! What’s happened-?! _Sehun_!”  
  
Someone hits the lights and the room is suddenly illuminated. It’s Sehun’s bedroom -- Sehun and Jongin’s bedroom, in the different universe where they’re married with a child, but the knowledge that he’s switched only makes everything that much more frightening because Sehun knows he didn’t fall asleep, he _knows_ he didn’t prepare for this so if that world is gone then does that mean that Jongin--?  
  
Does it mean Jongin really is--?  
  
“Oh my god, you’re shaking,” this Jongin is clearly panicking a little himself, throwing the duvet back and away from Sehun’s sweat-covered body and holding his husband tight, as if Jongin’s arms are enough to protect him from whatever terrors attacked have attacked Sehun in sleep. If only it were that simple. “It’s not real, okay? Shh, shh - it was just a dream, Sehun, just a dream; it’s okay,” Jongin is telling him, rocking Sehun ever so slightly in an attempt to calm him down, but Sehun just gets more upset when Jongin tells him it was a dream because that’s where Jongin is wrong.  
  
It was real -- all of these universes Sehun steps into are real, and so are the people in them. Jongin was real, and Yixing was and Yifan and--  
  
And so were their deaths.  
  
Sehun remembers Jongin’s face, mangled by the impact of the bomb, glassy-eyed and lifeless and lets out a strangled whimper, suddenly clinging to the Jongin who is now by his side and shaking with fresh tears.  
  
“It’s okay,” Jongin is whispering still, cradling Sehun in his arms like he’s something precious and stroking his hair gently, “it was just a dream, it’s over now. I’ve got you; everything’s going to be okay.”  
  
No it’s not, Sehun doesn’t say. No it’s not because Jongin is dead, all of them are _dead_ and it’s Sehun’s fault that Yixing never made it to the forest. Sehun killed a good man -- an _innocent_ man -- and nothing in the world could ever make what happened _okay_ , but Sehun doesn’t say that because he can’t.  
  
If he says it he’ll sound like a madman. He’ll be locked up somewhere for being insane--Sehun can’t risk losing this Jongin as well.  
  
“ _Daddy?_ ”  
  
Dabin’s voice sounds like she’s far away, like Sehun’s losing her too and he jerks as if to leap out of the bed to find her, but Jongin pulls him back again.  
  
“Hey! Hey, it’s okay, I’ll get her -- you try to sleep, alright? I won’t be long,” Jongin promises, kissing Sehun’s forehead once before he’s gone, calling back to their daughter to assure her that everything’s okay in a tone awfully similar to the one he was just using on Sehun.  
  
Sehun falls back on the bed and tries to calm his frantic heart. He feels so shaken, like he’s just a scratch away from unraveling and falling to pieces completely. His throat feels tight, his eyes are sore and heavy -- Sehun wonders what time of night or early morning it is and turns to look at the digital clock on the nightstand, but what he sees makes his heart stop in his chest.  
  
It’s a little past four in the morning, but that’s not what scares Sehun. It’s the date, written there in the bottom corner of the screen, that makes Sehun’s blood run cold and his hands start to tremble again.  
  
He misses days sometimes, he knows; it’s normal with the skips, it never matters, but he’s never ever missed more than two or three days at a time. Sehun has never been gone long enough for it to make a difference to the world around him, never long enough to hurt.  
  
Not this time.  
  
This time Sehun stares at the clock and waits for the numbers to change, as if it’s some sort of optical illusion, but of course it’s not. The clock isn’t lying to him, this isn’t some sort of practical joke; Sehun died in his last world and it’s taken its toll in every other one he exists in. This time Sehun stares at the clock and and knows he won’t be able to sleep again tonight, for fear of what time it might take from him if he does.  
  
He’s skipped three months.  
  


***

  
  
The next day at the support group Sehun is on edge, antsy; jiggling leg and sweaty palms. He doesn’t want to speak and he’s glad that no one pushes him to, but the time he has to himself only lets his thoughts fester into the monsters he’s been running from.  
  
He hasn’t skipped any days this time. He’s woken up in this world in the day after yesterday, which is reassuring but Sehun’s still scared.  
  
The months he’s missed have obviously had an effect on his life with Jongin and Dabin -- he can tell by the way they treated him yesterday, in the morning when they seemed surprised that he was responsive, even if he was clearly still shaken by that night (Sehun didn’t sleep at all. He laid in bed with Jongin until morning came, watching his husband’s sleeping face as if Sehun was scared that if he looked away even once that something or someone would come to take Jongin away. Sehun skipped work, calling in sick to take the day off, and refused to sleep until Dabin was home from school and Sehun could see with his own eyes that his family was here; safe and alive and happy) -- and Sehun has no idea what that could mean for the other worlds. Even the hickey is gone, faded away whilst Sehun was living dead, as if to prove that Sehun continued in each universe despite his mind being so completely absent.  
  
Anything could have happened, but at least in this world the effect doesn’t seem to have been too devastating.  
  
After the support group’s session is over it’s Jongin who approaches Sehun for once, appearing at his side quietly and touching Sehun’s arm to alert him of his arrival. Through the storm in his head Sehun’s shocked at this, because it’s the first time he can remember that this Jongin has ever touched him, but Jongin doesn’t seem to think so. He’s acting like it’s normal, like they’ve become friends over the three months Sehun doesn’t remember.  
  
Sehun wonders what the hell happened for them to reach this breakthrough.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Jongin asks, still softly-spoken but a lot less like he thinks he’s doing something wrong by speaking. “You look a lot better, today.”  
  
Sehun blinks at that and wonders how grotesque he must have looked before, whilst Sehun’s body continued going through the motions of all his lives without a soul there to guide it, if his ghost-like appearance today is an improvement. “I’m, uh… Doing okay. Thanks.”  
  
Jongin just smiles and bows his head ever so slightly,as if he wants to brush off Sehun’s gratitude but he doesn’t want to be rude. “I’m glad… I, um… Actually I wanted to ask…” Jongin hesitates, avoiding Sehun’s gaze and fiddling with the hem of his shirt nervously as he speaks. “I-I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but if… I’m… You don’t have to, but I thought that if… If you ever _did_ want to talk to someone that you could… I mean, we can go out or… Or something… If you’d prefer…”  
  
“Oh,” Sehun breathes as the realisation washes over him that Jongin is actually trying to reach out, here. “ _Oh_!”  
  
Honestly, Sehun doesn’t want to. He’s got too much to think about, too many things more important than his relationship with the Jongin in this world that Sehun needs to focus on, but he can’t just blow Jongin off. Sehun can practically see the kind of effort and bravery it’s taking for Jongin to ask this, to make himself vulnerable like he is.  
  
Sehun might have other things on his mind, but he doesn’t want to hurt this man either.  
  
“Um, of course!” Sehun nods, forcing a smile onto his face that even he knows won’t fool anybody. “When are you… Are you free? You have a job, don’t you?”  
  
“Yeah, I- yeah,” Jongin falters for a second, then awkwardly slips his mobile phone out of his pocket and offers it to Sehun. “I do have a job, but you could give me your… Y’know… Then we can decide on a time and… Yeah…”  
  
“Right! Yeah, good idea,” Sehun nods and does as he’s asked, typing out his phone number and saving it into Jongin’s contact list. For a split second Sehun almost considers typing the number out wrong, because he’s not ready to do this and he doesn’t want to go, but he decides that would be going too far. He hands Jongin the phone with a smile and happily agrees when Jongin promises to text Sehun soon to figure out a date for them to meet. Secretly, Sehun hopes it will happen on a day that Sehun skips.  
  
Then Sehun watches Jongin leave, smile slipping from his face and he wonders when it was that he stopped caring about this world and every single person in it.  
  


+++

  
  
“You’re back!” Is how Jongin greets Sehun when he walks into the café, but Sehun can’t make his answering smile reach his eyes. He feels like Jongin notices, too, but he doesn’t mention it, just continues; “It’s been, what, three months, now? We thought we’d chased you off!”  
  
“Actually, I said that _Jongin_ had chased you off,” Minseok explains then, walking out to join Jongin behind the counter with a container full of coffee beans from the back.  
  
Minseok gives Sehun a welcoming smile before setting about doing his work, leaving Sehun under Jongin’s gaze as he approaches the counter. “Yeah, sorry, I had some stuff going on,” Sehun explains half-heartedly, glancing up at the menu even though he already knows he doesn’t want anything. “Can I just have… I dunno, a coffee or something? Nothing fancy.”  
  
“Sure,” Jongin nods, reeling back some of his enthusiasm now he’s obviously seen how Sehun isn’t up for it today. He prepares Sehun’s drink and takes the payment like he would with any other customer; it’s only when Sehun is turning away to go and sit at his usual table that Jongin reaches over to stop it, concern written across every line of his handsome face. “You okay?”  
  
Sehun suddenly remembers the other Jongin, the one that died, asking that exact same thing and wearing that exact same expression, just moments before the bomb dropped. Suddenly Sehun can’t breathe past the rock wedged in his throat and he nods just to get Jongin to let him go. “I’m fine! Really fine. Thanks for the coffee.”  
  
Sehun sits himself down at the table furthest away from the counter so fast that he almost runs there.  
  
Thankfully, Jongin doesn’t try to talk to Sehun for the next few hours. There’s no real reason for him to do so, of course, but Sehun is glad to be left alone. He takes out his phone and instead decides to try something he’s wondered about before but never had the nerve to try.  
  
Now, though, Sehun can’t think of a good reason not to.  
  
He searches for Jongin’s name in every form and on every search engine Sehun can think of. When the name alone provides few answers he tries adding in cities, occupations, but when he can’t even find the Jongin in the very cafeteria Sehun’s sitting in he starts to consider that maybe this won’t work.  
  
He presses on.  
  
There's nothing on the support group Sehun attends, nor anyone in it. None of the modelling gigs Sehun and Jongin have done can be found anywhere online, nor can any trace of the other models they've worked with. The country and the war Sehun was just fighting in don't even exist -- the only place Sehun can think of to search for that he actually finds is a bland little page on Kim Jongin the therapist, but there's no photograph and Sehun can't remember the address off the top of his head so he doesn't know if he can be sure it's the same place or not.  
  
When Sehun can't find any record of Dabin's existence whatsoever, he tosses his phone to the farthest corner of the table and drops his head into his hands, defeated.  
  
"Hey." A voice makes Sehun jerk up again. It's Jongin, cleaning spray and cloth in his hand, looking down at Sehun anxiously.  
  
"Hey," Sehun echoes, because he feels like he should.  
  
Jongin shifts his weight from one foot to another uncomfortably before asking; "Are you sure you're okay?" Sehun opens his mouth to lie and say he's fine but Jongin continues hurriedly before Sehun can speak. "I know it's none of my business, but you do look really down today. Is everything alright?"  
  
“Honestly I-” _Am fine_ gets lost halfway through the sentence, though, and Sehun eventually just says; “...Would rather not talk about it.”  
  
Jongin sighs. “Okay, I understand… Well, we’re closing up in a few minutes, so-”  
  
“What, really?!” Sehun looks around them in surprise, but of course Jongin’s right; Sehun’s the only customer left in the café and behind the counter Minseok’s already got his coat on, is just double-checking the amount of cash in the till before leaving. “God, I’m sorry! I didn’t realise it was so late…”  
  
Jongin laughs at that. “Don’t worry about it! You did look pretty busy; time just flies by. But! Home-time now.”  
  
Sehun hums in acknowledgement, reaching for his phone again and glancing up at Jongin as he puts it back into his pocket. “You look pretty excited to go. Got plans for tonight?”  
  
Jongin sighs and shakes his head. “God, I wish… No, I’ll probably just sit on the couch, watching pointless TV shows and trying not to get into an argument with my boyfriend, as usual.” Jongin only seems to realise exactly what he’s said when it’s already too late. He flushes embarrassedly. “Uh, sorry... Sorry, God, I’m sorry -- pretend I didn’t say that?”  
  
“No it’s… It’s fine,” Sehun murmurs, kind of shocked at that sudden outburst. He’s going to say something more, but that’s when Minseok calls over to Jongin that he’s leaving now, and that Sehun and Jongin shouldn’t talk for too long because it’s getting late. The pair of them nod and promise that they’ll head out now, too, but once Minseok’s gone Sehun just turns to Jongin again and asks; “Did you want to talk about it, by any chance?”  
  
Jongin laughs bashfully. “No, it’s okay-- you don’t want to listen to all that, I promise, just forget I ever-”  
  
“Oh no, trust me,” Sehun interrupts, shaking his head. “I will listen to anything you have to offer -- I need something to get my mind off how shit my own life is right now. You don’t have to, obviously, but if you want to talk…”  
  
Jongin hesitates for another few moments more before finally plonking himself down in the chair opposite Sehun, placing his cleaning tools aside and looking at Sehun very seriously. “Fine. But nothing I say can leave this café, alright?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“You promise?”  
  
“I promise.”  
  
“Okay. Good. Okay.” Then Jongin begins his story, and that’s how Sehun finds out about Luhan.  
  
Luhan, Jongin says, is the man he is in love with. It’s kind of hard to handle hearing that from the man Sehun’s literally chased across universes, but Sehun tries not to react to what Jongin’s said because there’s more.  
  
Luhan is an artist. He’s witty and clever -- he loves to sing and his passion for it runs through his veins even more than blood. Luhan’s voice is Jongin’s favourite sound in the world, and Jongin says he still feels butterflies every time he hears Luhan sing, or looks into Luhan’s eyes, or touches Luhan’s skin or--  
  
Jongin blushes and coughs into his fist self-consciously. He apologises for being ‘such a cheese-ball’ and Sehun tells him it’s okay, but inside he can’t help but think that it’s usually _him_ who makes Jongin melt like this. Inside, Sehun doesn’t even try to hide the fact that this is making him jealous, and kind of angry that Jongin would tell him this until Sehun realises that this Jongin has no reason to think he shouldn’t; this Jongin doesn’t belong to Sehun, in any sense of the word.  
  
Sehun asks what the problem is, then, if Luhan is so wonderful and he pretends he doesn’t feel a sick sort of satisfaction at the way Jongin’s smile falls from his face.  
  
Luhan’s discontent, Jongin says. With his life, with his friends, with Jongin… Luhan imagined himself to be in a very different place than he is right now, and he feels he’s running out of time to get there despite still being under thirty. It makes Luhan angry, Jongin says, and mean. That makes them argue, and they almost always go to bed unhappy these days. Jongin’s even had to stay the night at Minseok’s a few times, just to get away from it all.  
  
Sehun asks if Luhan was the man who came into the café a few months ago, when Jongin looked like he was arguing with someone, and Jongin drops his head into his hands with a sigh. “Yeah, that was him… I dunno, he doesn’t usually follow me to work, I guess I’d just really pissed him off that day.”  
  
“What did you do?”  
  
“God knows -- it’s not even the big things any more, he’ll just bite me for anything.”  
  
“Then why don’t you _leave_?” Sehun asks, “Just leave him -- go find someone who won’t make you miserable.”  
  
“But I’m not miserable!” Jongin laughs despite the sadness in his eyes. “I love him, you don’t understand… I’d do anything for him, I just…” Jongin sighs again and runs a hand through his hair. “Sorry about this, I really… I shouldn’t be shoving all this on you-”  
  
“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” Sehun reaches over to nudge Jongin’s arm gently and give him a supportive smile. “I’m glad I could help. Besides, you definitely gave me something to think about that’s not my own misery. No offence.”  
  
This time when Jongin smiles, it’s real, and Sehun feels like when he smiles back, his is real, too.  
  


~~~

  
  
The next time Sehun is made to be a model, he and Jongin are at a shoot -- but of course they are, Sehun thinks. That’s all this world is; fancy photoshoots and awkward sexual escapades with the Jongin in this universe.  
  
Not that any of that seems to be a possibility today, though, since Jongin is avoiding Sehun wherever he can and, when they are forced to be together, Jongin simply refuses to look at Sehun or even acknowledge that he’s there. Sehun wonders what the hell he could have done during the three months he lost to deserve this treatment, and when Jongin became such an asshole.  
  
The same company director from that shoot so long ago is here today, too, but Sehun quickly realises that this is nothing like that first day. Today, the director openly talks to Jongin; stands close to him and touches him, puts those hands where Sehun is certain those director’s hands should not be.  
  
And Jongin lets him.  
  
Smiles, leans into the touches and flirts back. Jongin welcomes the attention when Sehun knows he’s not the kind of person to condone something like this, and he doesn’t even bat an eye when Sehun sees Jongin meet gazes with the other models and workers who aren’t even trying to hide their disgust from him. At one point, Jongin just smiles.  
  
When Sehun doesn’t think he can take it any more, he follows Jongin into their shared dressing room and confronts him about it. “Hey, can I talk to you?”  
  
Jongin looks at Sehun suspiciously, like Sehun coming up to him and trying to initiate contact is a rare occasion. “Um, okay…?”  
  
Sehun forces himself to ignore the attitude and focus on the issue at hand. “What was all that about? With the director?”  
  
“What’s it got to do with you?” Jongin bristles and Sehun blinks.  
  
_Well then._ “Nothing,” Sehun admits, ignoring the play of memories from their night together in his head. “I’m just a concerned friend.”  
  
“Oh, really?” Jongin scoffs bitterly, muttering more to himself than to Sehun.  
  
Sehun ignores him. “Don’t you think it’s a little risky, flirting with him so much in public?”  
  
“No, I don’t,” Jongin snaps, “And I don’t know what your problem is, Sehun, so just fuck off. And leave me alone -- I haven’t done _anything_ wrong.”  
  
That’s when Jongin leaves, storming out of the room in an almighty rage and slamming the door shut behind him. Sehun is left standing in the centre of the dressing room, staring at the place where Jongin used to be in utter bewilderment, wondering who the hell that pissy stranger was and what they did with his once best friend.  
  
Maybe, Sehun thinks, the months have had a much worse effect than he realised.  
  


\---

  
  
It’s only when Sehun wakes up in his bedroom with Jongin, in his family’s house with the wedding ring on his nightstand, that everything that happened really sinks in.  
  
Jongin is gone. Yixing and Yifan, they’re all gone; this world is meant to come after the one where they all exist, beautiful and alive and perfect, but it hasn’t this time. That world, with the war and the pain and the death, has been skipped completely, like it was never even there.  
  
It feels like there’s a heavy weight pressing on Sehun’s chest, all but pinning him to the bed, and it takes all of his strength just to get up this morning.  
  
Jongin is already in the kitchen when Sehun gets there, but Sehun doesn’t greet him or make any move to let Jongin know that he’s there. Instead, Sehun just sets himself down at the kitchen table and curls over it, cradling his head in his hands and wondering why he’s hurting so much when he already knew this would happen. _Had_ happened -- Sehun’s already accepted that both he and Jongin died in that world, so naturally the universe should end with Sehun. He’s already accepted that it’s all his fault.  
  
At least, he thought he’d accepted it.  
  
It takes a moment before Jongin notices Sehun’s presence, and when he does his tone changes from cheerful to uneasy almost scarily fast. “Oh, hey hone- what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing,” Sehun mutters. He doesn’t look up, but he can hear the sound of Jongin’s footsteps padding towards him after a moment’s hesitation.  
  
The chair beside the one that Sehun is sat on scrapes against the tiled floor as Jongin pulls it out and sits down in it, placing a tentative hand in the crook of Sehun’s elbow. “You know you can talk to me. About anything -- for better or worse.”  
  
“I’m fine, Jongin,” Sehun insists, a little more forcefully now because he doesn’t want to talk about this. He can’t. (And since when was it okay for Jongin to use their fucking wedding vows as some kind of emotional manipulation? Since when was that fucking fair?!)  
  
Jongin heaves a sigh, sitting back again. “Sehun-”  
  
“Jongin,” Sehun snaps, cutting across his husband’s words and spitting out his name like a curse or something worse.  
  
Its effect is immediate; Jongin immediately bristles beside Sehun. The chair scrapes again as it is pushed across the floor, more forcefully this time, and Jongin doesn’t bother tucking it back under the table again as he stands up and makes his way back over to where he’s making breakfast at the other end of the kitchen.  
  
Jongin’s clearly angry about this. Sehun doesn’t care.  
  
“Are you going to work today?” Jongin asks, a lot more hotly than he usually would.  
  
Sehun just huffs. He has neither the mental nor emotional energy to care about Jongin’s passive-aggressive bullshit today. “Yes, I am. I’m gonna be staying late, as well; I’ve got lots of work due and have to work overtime.”  
  
“That’s nice,” Jongin comments sarcastically. Sehun just rolls his eyes - he’s not bothered in the least - but Jongin clearly is because a moment later he lets out a long sigh and softens his tone completely when he says; “Hey, I know you haven’t been feeling well lately, but I told Chanyeol we’d be able to go out for drinks with him tonight.” Sehun lets out one awful bark of a laugh. Jongin ignores it, which is probably for the best in the current situation. “Do you want to come, is what I’m asking? Will you have time after work?”  
  
“Yeah, I probably will have time,” Sehun admits, feeling himself crossing the line here but unable to stop himself as he continues; “But I don’t want to go.”  
  
Jongin takes a deep breath and Sehun wonders how much Jongin hates him right now. “Why not?”  
  
Sehun scoffs a laugh again, finally looking up to meet Jongin’s gaze. “Because I don’t _like_ him. And I don’t think it’s okay for either of us to be so chummy with our daughter’s school teacher -- it’s weird.”  
  
Jongin heaves a sigh. “Sehun, he just wants to be friends-”  
  
“Not with me,” Sehun sings under his breath, but Jongin hears him.  
  
He slams whatever cooking utensil he was holding down onto the counter and demands; “What the hell is your problem, Sehun?!”  
  
“Oh come on, Jongin -- he’s only interested in you and you know it!”  
  
“Yeah, because you won’t give him a _chance_!” Jongin argues.  
  
Sehun laughs. “Yeah, I’m sure it’s all about me being a _little bit_ unfriendly once-- I’m sure it has _nothing_ to do with how the little creep is just _dying_ to fuck you!”  
  
“ _Don’t_ swear at me,” Jongin snarls, “what if Dabin hears you?!”  
  
“Don’t try and change the subject, Jongin-”  
  
“I’m _not_!” Jongin yells, nostrils flaring and eyes dark and furious. “You are being ridiculous, I can’t even… No, screw this.” Jongin turns off everything he’d been using to cook his food angrily and marches towards the door, clearly fuming. “Have a nice day at work, Sehun; I’ll be meeting up with my _friend_ when you get home, but feel free to join us.” Here Jongin waits in the doorway, glaring over his shoulder at Sehun as he says; “Or, better yet, just don’t.”  
  
Then Jongin’s gone, and the kitchen feels oddly empty and cold once he is. Immediately, Sehun starts to regret everything he’s said and done, the weight of that guilt pressing down on all the other emotions he’s got bottled up inside of him until Sehun’s sure he’s going to explode. With anger or tears, he doesn’t quite know.  
  
Slowly, painfully, Sehun turns his head so that he’s staring down at the tabletop again, his hands shaking where he’s got them folded neatly on the wood. “I’m sorry,” Sehun whispers, so quietly that he barely makes a sound. Then, he says it louder, so it’s audible but still contained so only Sehun can hear, because there’s so much Sehun is apologising for that no one else can know about. He’s sorry for the Jongin that died, sorry for this Jongin he’s hurt, sorry for the Jongin who sits quiet in support group, the one that Sehun doesn’t even think he loves like he should. He’d say it to their faces -- apologise, beg for forgiveness, whatever he had to do -- but they would never understand and there is so much that Sehun can never, ever tell them about for fear of the consequences of doing so.  
  
He’s not quite sure when the tears begin to fall, but they do, dropping onto the table and the backs of his hands again and again as apology after apology pours from Sehun’s lips, mere whimpers from the mouth of a lost and hopeless soul.  
  


***

  
  
Sehun doesn’t skip the date. He wakes up the morning he’s agreed to meet this Jongin for drinks -- the first time he’s woken up here without having to go to ‘Anxiety Group’, as he dubs it -- and lays in his bed, unmoving, for a few long moments. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to see Jongin, he’s not ready for it.  
  
For Sehun, it’s not even been a week since he saw Jongin, Yixing and Yifan die. Since Sehun died himself. But he hasn’t been able to grieve for them, can never fully let go of that pain, for fear of someone finding out about what happens to him, about how he jumps from world to world. It feels like he’s trapped inside his own head while his body is forced to go through the motions, pretending that everything is fine for the sake of every other Jongin that Sehun miraculously hasn’t lost yet, even if he fears that some of them are slipping through his fingers already.  
  
It’s torturous.  
  
Sehun meets up with Jongin that night because he doesn’t believe he really has a choice any more. They go to a quiet little pub just outside of town, which ends up being even emptier than usual because it’s a Monday night. Jongin picked both the place and the day for them to meet, though, so Sehun doesn’t think either of those things are coincidental.  
  
They sit together at the bar, keeping a respectable distance between them since Jongin is clearly still somewhat uncomfortable despite preparing himself for this situation, and they start out small; weak drinks, little conversation about trivial things. Jongin’s not difficult to talk to, but the more sober Sehun is the less he wants to share, so it’s not until he’s well on his way to being totally wasted that Sehun begins to finally open up.  
  
Sehun’s friend is dead, Sehun says. Jongin looks up at Sehun with wide, round eyes and says he’s sorry. Sehun brushes him off.  
  
Sehun’s friend was the love of his life, Sehun says. He watched him die in a tragedy that Sehun knows he couldn’t possibly have prevented, but he can’t stop thinking that he should have. That there must have been something Sehun could have done to stop them from dying, that there must have been something he missed that he should have seen in the moments before the...  
  
Sehun stops talking. It hurts too much to continue.  
  
Jongin gives him only a moment or two to compose himself, before gently asking if he knew. Sehun’s friend, Jongin means; did he know how Sehun felt about him?  
  
Sehun shrugs. He doesn’t know. Honestly, he doesn’t want to know, not now; if he goes through all this just to find out that his Jong- his _friend_ knew how Sehun felt, and maybe even felt the same way in return, Sehun doesn’t know what he’d do. It would be the ultimate act of masochism, Sehun thinks, to even want to know what could have been. The future with that friend is gone, now. Sehun doesn’t want to know _what if_.  
  
Then, Jongin asks what this friend’s name was.  
  
Sehun tells him it’s not important, biting back a bit more harshly than he probably really meant to and causing Jongin to instinctively close up again, breathing a little too fast and clearly upset by Sehun’s tone. Sehun just sighs and apologises quietly. Jongin tells him it’s okay.  
  
They drink.  
  
Their seats move closer together seemingly of their own accord as the night goes on, Sehun leaning over until there’s little more than a breath of air between them. Jongin hasn’t had nearly as many drinks as Sehun by now, and he’s not nearly as drunk as Sehun either, but Jongin still allows this closeness, and doesn’t pull away even when Sehun leans forwards and presses a little kiss at the corner of Jongin’s lips.  
  
They drink.  
  
They leave together and walk through cold, empty streets back to Sehun’s horrible little apartment here. Sehun doesn’t remember buying beer but he’s only ever here once a week, after all, and it’s in his fridge so he takes it, sharing the can with Jongin as Sehun presses him into the couch and leaves sweet, meaningless kisses over every inch of skin Sehun can find.  
  
They drink.  
  
There’s a pleasant kind of numbness in Sehun’s brain by the time they finally reach the bed. Jongin seems to prefer to keep as much of his body covered as possible, even now, so Sehun lets Jongin keep his shirt on while Sehun pulls Jongin’s jeans down his legs. Sehun’s not even sure that this is a good idea -- isn’t sure that either of them should be doing this, with all the issues they each have -- and if things were different Sehun would stop, make double and triple sure that Jongin wants this. If things were different Sehun would ask himself whether or not _Sehun_ really wants this, but it feels too late for that now. Sehun is drunk and Jongin is too and Jongin is telling him to _do it, please_ so whether it’s right or not Sehun ends up pushing himself in under Jongin’s skin with one (surprising smooth, considering how drunk he is) roll of his hips.  
  
They fuck.  
  
It’s not romantic, not passionate nor loving. It’s not even _exciting_ , really, it’s… Cold. There’s no emotion behind it -- not for Sehun, at least. He doesn’t _want_ to be here. He’s going through the motions like some kind of robot, and Sehun would be lying if he said his mind didn’t wander onto different things.  
  
If things were different, Sehun would feel awful about that -- about this whole situation -- but that’s just it.  
  
Nothing is different.  
  
Nothing has changed since Sehun woke up in this world, nor any of the others since Jongin and the others died, and Sehun fears they never will get better. Sehun struggles to remember what the point of all of this is, any more.  
  
Sehun fucks Jongin until they’re both satisfied, falling down from where he’s been poised over Jongin’s body and dropping into sleep almost immediately. Sehun doesn’t look or speak to Jongin, not even once.  
  
  
  
  
  
---


	5. Chapter 5

  


  


+++

  
  
It’s busier than usual when Sehun arrives at Jongin’s café the next day, so Sehun chooses not to be a nuisance by getting Jongin to stop and chat. Instead, he takes his order and sits at his usual table nearer the counter, pretending to play on his phone while he watches Jongin work from the corner of his eyes.  
  
This Jongin, Sehun has realised, has quickly become Sehun’s favourite. Amongst all the stress and pain of the worlds Sehun lives in, this Jongin is like a light in the darkness, the drop of hope at the end of the tunnel. This Jongin is fun and kind, and clearly unhappy in his relationship which will make it all the more easier for Sehun to gently draw Jongin away from Luhan and into Sehun’s arms.  
  
It’s a horrible way to look at things, Sehun is aware, but he reasons that it’s not like he has any other choice. Jongin is, quite literally, what Sehun lives for; he’s not about to let some other random stranger take Jongin away.  
  
It’s almost two hours later when Jongin finally gets some time to breathe. Almost immediately, he comes strolling over to Sehun’s table to talk, and Sehun is almost ridiculously happy that he does. “Long time no see,” Jongin jokes, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Sehun gives him a Look and Jongin laughs. “I’m just saying! You’re here practically every day. Except, y’know, those few months when you weren’t.”  
  
“Yeah, well,” Sehun shrugs, “maybe I like it here. I like coming here and doing all my… Stuff. I think it’s nice -- is that so bad?”  
  
“No! Not bad at all,” Jongin promises with a charming grin. “We actually really like seeing you here. And not just because you tend to order the most expensive coffee on the menu, _as well as_ a muffin.”  
  
Sehun scoffs. “Shut up.”  
  
“Never!” Jongin laughs, leaning his hip against the edge of the table and looking down at Sehun curiously. “So what kind of ‘stuff’ is it that you do? Are you a writer or something?”  
  
“Uhh-” Sehun blinks in surprise at the sudden question, but decides to just let the lie flow from him. It’s better than admitting that he comes here to stalk Jongin day after day, after all. “Yeah, I am, actually. Just your stereotypical budding novelist in a coffee shop...”  
  
“Awesome,” Jongin comments, then frowns. “Wait, then where’s your notebook? Don’t writers usually have something to jot down ideas in?”  
  
“Oh, I use my phone,” Sehun explains quickly, holding the device itself up for Jongin to see. “When I get ideas and stuff I, y’know… Write them down here. In, like, notes and memos to myself. I’m not working on anything in particular at the moment, see, so I just… Yeah. It saves trees.”  
  
Jongin laughs at that. “Well I guess I can’t argue with that. And I guess you’re here all the time looking for your muse, right?”  
  
Sehun hums, then sighs sadly. What is Sehun looking for? It’s a harder question than Jongin could have ever realised. “I guess you could say,” Sehun starts slowly, looking around him at anything that’s not Jongin. “That I’m searching… For the man of my dreams…” Jongin makes a noise of understanding which prompts Sehun to continue; “Or I… I already know where he is, it’s just that… Well, every time I sleep my ‘dream guy’ is different. I don’t know, do… Do you ever have that problem?”  
  
Jongin pulls a face, like that’s a difficult question too. “I used to, I guess… Before I met Luhan...? I dunno. But I don’t think you have to know exactly what you want in a lover to know it’s real, y’know? And-- trust me. One day, you’ll meet that guy who takes your breath away and it will be _impossible_ to let him go.”  
  
Sehun smiles at that, a sadistic little part of himself enjoying the irony of this whole situation, and he looks Jongin in the eye as he nods and says; “I believe you.”  
  


~~~

  
  
They’re just finishing up a shoot when Sehun first hears the rumour.  
  
He’s in the dressing room he shares with one other model who’s currently still on set, having his makeup cleaned off by the stylist who smells like coconuts whilst she gossips with her colleague who’s in charge of costumes. Usually, Sehun ignores their mindless chatter because it tends to be about other people, other models and celebrities and set workers that Sehun doesn’t know or care about, but this time is different. This time they don’t even touch on the usual irrelevant strangers; this time the women dive right in to discuss the scandal between Kim Jongin and the director.  
  
One of the women heard it’s been going on for weeks. The other insists it’s been far longer than that. But the one thing they both agree on is that Kim Jongin -- _Sehun’s_ Kim Jongin, his best friend and one-time lover -- is sleeping with the very same company director who’s followed them onto every shoot since that first one Sehun and Jongin did so long ago.  
  
Sehun listens to them talk with a feeling like stones are being dropped into his stomach, one after the other until he feels like he’s being forced down to hell with them. He feels sick. But they have to be wrong, don’t they? Jongin wouldn’t do that to him, he couldn’t do that… Right?  
  
Sehun excuses himself politely, still with half a face full of makeup, and heads straight for Jongin’s own private dressing room. It’s the nicest room out of all the ones available for this shoot; Sehun thought Jongin had earned it through his hard work. Now, though, Sehun’s not so sure.  
  
That doubt only strengthens when Sehun reaches the hallway outside of Jongin’s room to find the director leaving it, closing the door quietly behind him as if he doesn’t want to be discovered. He doesn’t startle when he sees Sehun standing there watching, though; the director just inclines his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement before going on his way, passing Sehun in silence.  
  
As soon as the director is gone, Sehun enters Jongin’s dressing room without knocking or hesitating for even a moment. He walks in and, as the door falls shut behind him, demands; “Is it true?”  
  
“Nice knock,” Jongin comments sarcastically, only glancing up for a moment to look at Sehun’s reflection in the mirror Jongin is sitting in front of before slanting his eyes down again, wiping the remnants of whatever makeup he’s just removed off of his fingertips.  
  
Sehun clenches his jaw and fights the ridiculous urge to cry that’s suddenly overwhelmed him, because he already knows the answer to his question even when he asks; “Are you sleeping with him? That director guy, who just left here?”  
  
This time Jongin lets out a long sigh, tightly controlled just like his movements and expressions when he meets the eyes of Sehun’s reflection again and says, guiltlessly; “Yes.”  
  
Sehun takes a moment before he trusts himself to reply. “How long has it been? When did- when did all this start?”  
  
“Almost… Four months ago now?” Jongin purses his lips as he thinks, words light and nonchalant like he’s not breaking Sehun’s heart right there and then. “I’m not sure. It’s been a while.”  
  
“No,” Sehun breathes before he can stop himself. Jongin raises his eyebrows in question and Sehun shakes his head before repeating, “No. No, it can’t have been-- we slept together. Less than four months ago, we had sex, remember that?”  
  
Jongin nods slowly. “...So?”  
  
“Were you with him at that point?” Sehun demands.  
  
“I’ve never been _with him_ , we’re not _dating_ ,” Jongin corrects, “but yes. I’d slept with him already before I slept with you. Twice, actually.”  
  
This time when Sehun breathes in it shakes, and he really does feel like vomiting. He’s never imagined Jongin could be so heartless; saying all this like it’s nothing, like Sehun is nothing. Though maybe, Sehun realises, that’s all he’s ever been to Jongin. Nothing. “Why?” Sehun hates how small he sounds, how frail and insignificant, but he needs to get his answers. “Why would you do this, why…?”  
  
Jongin actually laughs then, but it’s hollow, and for the first time today Sehun thinks he sees sadness behind Jongin’s eyes, like Jongin feels some sort of guilt or empathy for the wretched creature standing before him. “Why d’you think?” Jongin asks, and Sehun would be lying if he said he didn’t understand what Jongin means.  
  
Big, private dressing room. More opportunities, more publicity, more fame.  
  
Sehun tries to swallow around the lump in his throat. His hands are trembling. “What about me?”  
  
“What _about_ you-?”  
  
“Didn’t it mean anything to you?” Sehun asks, voice breathy and frail. “When we slept together-- when you _fucked_ me… Did that mean _nothing_ to you? Did you feel _nothing_? Did- didn’t _I_ mean anything to you?!”  
  
Jongin sighs and drops his gaze again. “This isn’t about you.”  
  
“Then why won’t you give me a straight fucking answer?” Sehun asks, ignoring the few treacherous tears that start to fall. Jongin is quiet, refusing to even look at Sehun now and Sehun feels like such an _idiot_. He’s crying even more when he continues. “Come on, Jongin; I’m a big boy. I can take it -- tell me why you chose to be his bitch-!”  
  
“Because you weren’t _good enough_!” Jongin suddenly whirls to face Sehun, standing up out of the chair and advancing a few steps towards him. Sehun’s made him angry, he can tell, but at this point Sehun just doesn’t care. “You don’t _want this_ , Sehun, you never wanted any of this! You’d only hold me back -- you know the company’s thinking of dropping you? They’re gonna rip up your fucking contract and I can’t… I couldn’t have stood by you when they did.”  
  
“So- so, what, you couldn’t have even _told me_ that you were fucking him instead?!”  
  
“I tried to tell you!” Jongin shouts to be heard over Sehun’s rising voice. “The day after we had sex -- the next fucking _morning_ I tried, but you just acted like nothing happened! Like I wasn’t even _there_ \-- what the hell was I supposed to think?!”  
  
Sehun shakes his head, tears falling freely now. The day after, that must have been during the time Sehun skipped. When he wasn’t even there. “That-” _wasn’t me._ “That’s beside the point, I-”  
  
“ _How is it_ -?”  
  
“I _did_ want this!” Sehun tells him, almost hysterically. “I wanted this because you did! You’re the only fucking reason I came this far at all -- I’d rather lose my fucking job than have you sleeping with that creep!”  
  
Jongin scoffs, reaching back for his bag and lifting it onto his shoulder as he heads past Sehun, towards the door. “Maybe that’s just it, though. What I am to you, Sehun, isn’t what you mean to me -- maybe I just don’t want you as much as I want to _be_ something in this business,” Jongin says, back against the door, looking back at Sehun just before he leaves. There are tears swimming in Jongin’s eyes, too, but he doesn’t stop saying the words that are hurting them both. “I’m sorry, okay? But this is my dream, Sehun, _my_ dream. I can’t give it up now I’ve come so far, and I can’t make it for the both of us.” He turns the handle and starts to step out; it’s only the broken sob that tears from Sehun’s chest at the sight that makes Jongin stop. Lower his head. “I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers.  
  
Then he’s gone, and Sehun is left to cry alone.  
  


\---

  
  
The next time Sehun wakes up, it’s to breakfast in bed and an apology. It’s to Jongin kneeling on the edge of the bed, chewing anxiously on the skin around his gold wedding ring; a habit that Sehun thought Jongin had kicked a few years ago, after they finally solved all of their money problems and knew for certain that they wouldn’t have to worry any more. Sehun allows himself the indulgence of wondering what could possibly be stressing Jongin out so much nowadays, but only because he doesn’t want to accept the fact that Sehun himself is the problem.  
  
Sehun himself is the monster tearing holes into their family this time, and there seems to be no one around who can save them.  
  
But Jongin’s apologising for the fight that Sehun started, because that’s what Jongin does. Jongin makes excuses for Sehun’s behaviour, saying Sehun’s been very stressed at work and lost a lot of sleep lately, so that’s why Jongin let Sehun sleep in while Jongin took Dabin to school. Jongin says he called Sehun’s workplace and told them Sehun is sick, so Sehun’s been allowed the day off. He’s also asked for Dabin to be kept in the school’s after-school club for an hour or two, because her fathers won’t be able to pick her up at the usual time today. That’s a lie, of course, but Jongin says that just one or two hours won’t hurt.  
  
Now, Jongin says, he and Sehun can spend some quality time together away from all the work and stress and children, just to clear their heads. Jongin says he’s cleared his whole day; they can do whatever Sehun wants to do.  
  
Sehun lets Jongin put the tray of breakfast into Sehun’s lap, but he doesn’t touch it, just looks at his husband and asks; “Why are you doing this?”  
  
“What do you mean, ‘why’?” Jongin chuckles, that boyish grin of his that Sehun’s always loved appearing on his handsome face. “I want you to be happy, stupid. I love you.”  
  
Sehun doesn’t ask ‘ _why?_ ’ to that one, even if he wants to, the ghosts of the last words that model-Jongin replaying in Sehun’s head. But Sehun remains silent; Jongin would only get annoyed if Sehun tried to question his love, anyway.  
  
Sehun doesn’t know what he wants to do and Jongin refuses to influence Sehun’s decision in any way by suggesting places, so they end up going to that pretty park with the lake across town. They buy lunch in a pretty café that overlooks the water and walk the entire way around the park, hand in hand, laughing and talking like they’re teenagers again. Honestly, Jongin’s plan works; soon Sehun starts to forget.  
  
Not everything, of course; not about the Jongin he lost at war, nor does he truly forget how badly it hurt when he discovered that the Jongin in the last universe had never really cared for Sehun at all, but it fades a little. Here, under this sun and clear sky, with the birds making a wonderful kind of racket in the trees above as he and Jongin stroll together… Sehun begins to forget about the guilt and the betrayal. For the first time in what has been far too long, Sehun starts to remember just how good he’s got it in some of these worlds, no matter how hopeless things may seem sometimes.  
  
This, of course, doesn’t last long. To be precise, it lasts until four-thirty that afternoon, when Sehun and Jongin drive together to pick Dabin up from the after-school club. Sehun pulls up outside the school gates and fiddles with the radio as Jongin gets out of the car to collect her. Sehun looks up after a moment to see where Jongin and their daughter is, whether they’re coming back yet, but what he sees makes him stop. Sehun turns stony and silent, fists clenched in his lap.  
  
No one told him that Park Chanyeol was the teacher in charge of the after-school club at this school.  
  
Currently Jongin is stood with Dabin’s hand in his, laughing along with whatever story Chanyeol is telling with this big, stupid fucking grin on the teacher’s face and Sehun wants nothing more than to storm right up to them and punch Chanyeol in the face. Sehun’s brain is suddenly filled with images of the other Jongin, the Jongin that lied and cheated. Sehun imagines that Jongin with the director, remembers everything Sehun even saw for himself, and then he imagines this Jongin. This Jongin, Sehun’s husband, with Park Chanyeol. Kissing him, touching him, fucking him--  
  
A thick, dark mist seems to descend over Sehun’s mind and all of his senses. Even when Jongin and Dabin finally leave Chanyeol, when they clamber into their respective seats in the car and the vehicle fills with noise again as if nothing even happened, Sehun does not smile or respond when Jongin talks to him because he knows. Sehun _knows_ that Jongin must be having an affair, and Sehun can’t understand why he must never, ever be good enough for Jongin.  
  
Sehun is silent for the entire drive home.  
  
Once they reach the house the family splits; Dabin goes rushing upstairs to her bedroom whilst Sehun heads straight for the kitchen, Jongin taking a moment to hang up his coat in the hall before following. Sehun stands by the window, looking out at their back garden blindly, and doesn’t so much as blink until he feels Jongin come up behind him, pressing his body against Sehun’s back and laying gentle kisses down the side of Sehun’s neck like there’s nothing wrong. Like it’s not Park Chanyeol who Jongin wants instead.  
  
“Stop,” Sehun commands quietly, “Get your hands off me.”  
  
Jongin stops kissing him immediately but doesn’t move away, just hooks his chin over Sehun’s shoulder and frowns. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Get off of me, Jongin,” Sehun repeats, voice soft but dangerous, and Jongin seems to sense that as he backs away slowly until there’s plenty of space between them.  
  
Jongin’s voice is low too, this time, like Sehun is a wild animal Jongin doesn’t want to spook. “Sehun, what’s the matter? What’s wrong?”  
  
“You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?” Sehun asks calmly. He doesn’t turn around; he doesn’t want to see the look of complete and utter apathy on this Jongin’s face as well. Once was enough for him.  
  
This Jongin doesn’t own up to what Sehun is so sure he’s done, though. He just sounds confused -- completely bewildered -- when he asks; “...What?”  
  
“Please don’t lie to me,” Sehun begs, shaking his head as he continues to stare out at the garden. It’s still a beautiful day; Sehun thinks it’s wrong, considering the circumstances. “I saw you with him today -- you didn’t exactly try to hide it.”  
  
“What, you mean… You mean _Chanyeol_? You think I’m having an affair with Chanyeol?” Jongin asks, then when Sehun still refuses to face him Jongin raises his voice, anger building. “Sehun, look at me. Sehun!” Eventually Sehun does, turning to meet Jongin’s gaze and only just holding back tears. He refuses to cry, though. Not a second time. Jongin just shakes his head and says clearly; “Sehun, I am not having an affair with our daughter’s school teacher.”  
  
Sehun just laughs, bitter and hollow. “You’re lying.”  
  
“Sehun-!”  
  
“No, I saw you together!”  
  
“You saw _what_ Sehun?!” Jongin demands, getting angrier and angrier and a vague thought in the back of Sehun’s mind says that they should really be quieter, before they start to scare Dabin. Jongin doesn’t seem to have this same idea, though; he just keeps going. “What _exactly_ did you see? Me talking to my friend, yeah? And what else? What kind of shit do you think I did, huh, right in front of our very own daughter?!” Sehun just keeps shaking his head in denial and Jongin lets out a noise of frustration. “ _Nothing happened, Sehun_!”  
  
“I know what I saw!” Sehun snaps back.  
  
Jongin laughs now, though there’s no joy behind it whatsoever. He just sounds mad. “Then you must be blind, babe, because I have done _nothing_ wrong.”  
  
“Don’t call me ‘babe’,” Sehun hisses.  
  
Jongin ignores him, too caught up in his own indignation to listen to Sehun. “You know, I don’t know how you even _dare_ say that to me, Sehun, I really don’t. After all I’ve done for you? For all of us?! Lately I’ve been the only thing that’s holding this goddamn family together-- I fucking _love_ you, Oh Sehun, and you don’t even trust me to stay _faithful_ to you?!”  
  
Sehun actually gapes at that, offended. “Don’t act like I haven’t done my part for this family either, Jongin; it’s not all been down to you!”  
  
“Really? Because it definitely didn’t seem that way when you were acting like a fucking _zombie_ for months on end!” Jongin yells and Sehun falls silent. “With no reasons or explanations -- one day you were fine then the next it’s like you’re not even _there_! I had to carry this whole fucking family on my own, Sehun, I didn’t even have _time_ for an affair! And still now, you haven’t even told me what the hell _happened_ to you...?!”  
  
This is it. This is Sehun’s chance to come up with a lie, a story to excuse his behaviour when he died in one world and left all the others hanging by a thread, but he can’t. He can’t even think straight right now, and Jongin’s giving him this awful look that would break Sehun’s heart if he didn’t have that other Jongin’s image in his head, the model Jongin who Sehun could never be good enough for, and this Jongin can say that nothing’s happening between him and Park Chanyeol but Sehun doesn’t _believe him_ and it’s all too much and he wants to- he needs to--  
  
Sehun tries to bolt through the hall and out the front door, but Jongin catches him in the doorway to the kitchen and holds him back desperately. “Sehun, wait! You can tell me, Sehun, _please_ -!”  
  
No, Sehun can’t. He can’t tell Jongin and he won’t; Sehun wrenches himself out of Jongin’s grip and runs for the door, for freedom, refusing to look back even when he hears Dabin’s voice at the top of the stairs asking; “ _Papa_?”  
  
Jongin calls for him again and again but Sehun doesn’t turn around, doesn’t stop running until he’s far enough away that he knows they won’t follow. He’s still wearing his coat, keys in his pocket even though Sehun’s certain he won’t be going home tonight. As soon as Sehun’s hand closes around the wallet stashed in the back pocket of his jeans, he knows exactly what he needs right now, and heads straight for the nearest pub.  
  
Sehun knocks back drink after drink, always so afraid that Jongin might come searching for him, but Jongin never does. No one comes looking, no one approaches Sehun at the bar and so no one tells him when it’s time to stop drinking, stop running and face Jongin before Sehun loses him and Dabin for good.  
  
But no one arrives to save Sehun from himself, and he ignores the voice in his own head telling him to go home. Sehun drinks himself to sleep that night, face-down on the bar and hollow inside.  
  


***

  
  
Sehun wakes the next day and doesn’t even open his eyes. He doesn’t want to know which world he’s in; it’s not like it would make a difference either way.  
  
The hollow feeling hasn’t gone. If anything, it’s just gotten stronger, and the heaviness in his chest that much more suffocating. He’s ruined everything, he knows, and it doesn’t even matter what world comes next because it won’t make anything better. Nothing is ever going to get better. Sehun seems to have made damn sure of that.  
  
“Are you awake?”  
  
Sehun wants to remain motionless, play dead for whoever is in the room with him, but his eyes open despite him in surprise at the unexpected voice and Sehun sits up, squinting around the room for the voice’s owner. It’s Jongin, the one from ‘Anxiety Group’. The one that Sehun last remembers falling into bed with, the act blurred and distorted by a drunken stupor, but it definitely happened.  
  
Sehun doesn’t understand, then, why Jongin is sat curled up on the floor in the corner of the room, fully dressed in the clothes he wore last night and looking at Sehun like Sehun’s just broken Jongin’s heart.  
  
Sehun sends Jongin a puzzled expression, and Jongin takes a shaky breath in before murmuring; “You were sleeping.” Sehun’s frown just deepens and Jongin’s mouth twitches in a weak attempt at a smile, when really he looks absolutely devastated. “I thought you said you couldn’t sleep.”  
  
Sehun stops. _Ah._ “Yeah, well… Actually what happens is-”  
  
“I had a look around your home while you slept,” Jongin interrupts suddenly, voice so quiet Sehun almost misses it. “You don’t have any pills.” The silence that follows Jongin’s statement only seems to magnify Sehun’s guilt. There’s no way for him to lie his way out of this one, not now. Jongin continues. “No Klonopin -- you said you took Klonopin, right?” Silence. “Y’know you dont… You don’t even have any cough syrup,” Jongin laughs weakly at that, like he’s trying to make a joke out of this horrible situation but Sehun isn’t playing along. The laughter fizzles and dies. “You… You made it all up, didn’t you? All you said in the group, you… None of it was real.”  
  
Sehun hates that he can’t even look Jongin in the eye as he whispers; “I’m sorry.”  
  
Sehun hears Jongin’s strangled, whimpering sob and closes his eyes as if that could help shut him out. It doesn’t.  
  
“No,” Jongin breathes, then louder; “No, you can’t have… Why would you…? And I had s- _sex_ with you, I-?!”  
  
“I never meant to hurt you-” Sehun begins, but Jongin cuts him off with a sound that’s almost like a scream.  
  
“ _Don’t_! Don’t say that, just stop, just- stop with- with the _lies_!” Jongin’s on his feet, tears streaming down his cheeks as his whole body shakes with hurt and betrayal and the deep-rooted anxiety in Jongin’s veins that Sehun will never, ever be able to understand. “Do you have any idea how- how _exhausting_ this is?! To be like I am, to- I can’t-”  
  
Jongin’s working himself up so much he starts to struggle to breathe, but when Sehun jumps out of the bed to help him Jongin skitters back like he’s been shocked. “ _Don’t_!” Jongin shouts, cries, begs and Sehun can do nothing but comply, watching uselessly as Jongin runs his hands through his hair and claws at his face in an attempt to stop the tears and he shakes and he shakes and- “Please don’t come back to the group,” Jongin sobs, stumbling towards the door but refusing to take his eyes off of Sehun still, like he’s afraid if he looks away that Sehun will find some kind of opening to hurt him again. “P-please, just- don’t come, please, just- please-”  
  
Jongin leaves like that, sobbing and wrecked, shaking like a leaf in a storm and Sehun can only watch as he does. He doesn’t even have to wonder if he’ll ever get to see this Jongin again; Sehun already knows he never will.  
  


+++

  
  
Sehun reaches the café early the next morning, even before it opens. He hopes to find this Jongin and tell him everything; tell him about the universes and the men Sehun loves and he hopes -- god he hopes -- that Jongin will tell him it’s okay. Tell him that Sehun isn’t a monster, isn’t the villain in this story; Sehun just did what he had to to get to Jongin, Sehun did this all for love and there’s still a chance Sehun can get them back, can explain himself and apologise and…  
  
Sehun stops outside the window that looks inside the café, too numb to even feel disappointment when he sees that Jongin is in there and he already has company. The handsome man from before -- Jongin’s boyfriend, Luhan -- is there, leaning into Jongin’s side behind the counter, laughing and playing with him and the pair of them look so completely in love that Sehun almost doesn’t recognise the sight, almost doesn’t remember what it feels like to be so happy.  
  
They don’t see him. Sehun thinks that’s good. It means they won’t ask questions next time, about why he showed up at the café just to walk away.  
  


\---

  
  
Sehun isn’t surprised when he skips the modelling world. He suspected he’d lost Jongin after their last fight, or perhaps Sehun knew Jongin was getting further and further away long before that. He’s not surprised that that Jongin is gone.  
  
Sehun is surprised, though, when he next wakes up in the house that he shares with his husband and their daughter. He doesn’t remember coming home from the bar nor going to sleep in his bed, where he is now, but the clock tells him he’s skipped a day anyway.  
  
Neither Jongin nor Dabin are anywhere to be seen, and Sehun’s breaths come irregular and uneven as he makes his way to the kitchen. On the table is a letter, Sehun’s name written in Jongin’s careful handwriting on the front, and Sehun sits himself down opposite it. He doesn’t move, doesn’t reach to open it because he knows what it will say. He knows he’s ruined everything.  
  
When he hears the front door open Sehun jerks and spins in the chair to peer down the hall; there’s Jongin, car keys jingling in his hand and a look of surprise on his face. “You’re back?” Jongin asks. He doesn’t sound disappointed, which Sehun guesses is a good thing, but he doesn’t sound relieved, either. Jongin’s voice tells of something more like resignation; like he’s already made his plan and he’s going to move along with it, with or without Sehun by his side.  
  
“I just woke up,” Sehun says lifelessly.  
  
Jongin just nods his head. “Right, well… There’s, uh. I left you a letter because I didn’t know when you’d get here -- I didn’t realise you came back last night-”  
  
“You weren’t here?”  
  
“No, me and Dabin stayed with my mum and dad,” Jongin explains, still stood in their front doorway with the entire length of the hall spread between them. Sehun’s not sure Jongin would accept any less space. “We’re, um. We’re going to stay there for the week, now Dabinnie has school holidays. Me and her, I mean.”  
  
Sehun lets out a shallow breath as realisation of what Jongin is saying dawns on him. “I’m not allowed to come with you?”  
  
“I’m sure you can understand why,” Jongin says quietly. Sehun just shakes his head, pressing his mouth into a line to try and keep back tears, and Jongin sighs. “Sehun… You know I love you but I can’t handle this. Whatever you’re going through… If you can’t trust me enough to tell me what it’s about then I can’t keep excusing your behaviour. When you ran out on us the other night… I just can’t do this, especially when we have Dabin to think about as well, I…” Jongin takes a deep breath to compose himself. Sehun wishes he could do the same. “Sehun, I just think it would be best if we give you some time on your own. I only came back to pick up a few extra clothes and things -- I’ll keep Dabin safe, don’t worry, just please don’t follow us. I’ll call you, okay?”  
  
Sehun nods, swallowing hard. “Okay. I… I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jongin, I swear. Either of you.”  
  
Jongin smiles kindly despite the sadness in his eyes. “I’m sure you didn’t, Sehun. I think you said a lot of things you didn’t mean. But I just can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.”  
  
Sehun doesn’t reply to that, just nods again because he knows. He’s sorry, too.  
  


+++

  
  
Sehun stays until closing time at the café again, half because he wants to and half because he has nowhere else to go. He’s ruined everything, every single life he’s had. It feels like everything that has ever loved Sehun has abandoned him, and it’s no one’s fault but Sehun’s own.  
  
He’s destruction and deceit personified; Oh Sehun doesn’t deserve to be loved.  
  
Jongin comes over a few minutes before the shop shuts, just like last time, with a smile on his face and a teasing; “What’s wrong now, misery guts?” It’s only when Sehun looks up at Jongin with bloodshot eyes and an expression of utter misery that Jongin’s smile suddenly drops and he stares at Sehun in alarm. “Oh shit, are you okay?”  
  
Sehun laughs and it sounds miserable. “No, not really.”  
  
“What happened?” Jongin asks, sitting down in the chair beside Sehun’s and reaching a comforting arm around Sehun’s shoulders. Thankfully Minseok already left a few minutes ago, so Sehun doesn’t have to endure the humiliation of both of them watching him snivel and cry.  
  
“I just… I don’t know,” Sehun shrugs, coughing to try and cover up his weeping even though he knows no one’s buying it, not even himself. “I’ve ruined it. I’ve fucked everything up, _everything_ , and there’s nothing… I can’t do anything to… I don’t know what to do, I’ve… Fuck-”  
  
Sehun cuts off when his tears start falling especially fast, cascading down his face like a couple of waterfalls and Jongin pulls Sehun in for a tight hug in response, shushing him gently and petting Sehun’s hair in an oddly intimate gesture that reminds Sehun far too much of the other Jongins, the ones he’s already lost. “Shh, it’s okay! I’m sure it’s not that bad-- hey, don’t worry! You’re gonna be _fine_ , honestly.”  
  
“No,” Sehun whimpers, shaking his head, “no, you- you can’t say that, you don’t know what I’ve done to people. You don’t know what a horrible person I am-”  
  
“Oh, come on!” Jongin laughs good-naturedly, pushing Sehun back again so Jongin can look him in the eye. “Don’t be stupid; what could you have possibly done that’s _that bad_? You haven’t killed anyone, right?”  
  
_Well, actually-_ “No,” Sehun replies, even as the image of Yixing’s face floats into Sehun’s mind.  
  
“Did you steal a baby?”  
  
“No, but-”  
  
“Kick a puppy?”  
  
“Jongin-”  
  
“No, I’m being serious,” Jongin cuts Sehun off sternly. “I refuse to believe that you’re half as bad as you say you are. In fact, I’ll have you know that I am an _excellent_ judge of character, and _you_ are my favourite customer.”  
  
Sehun doesn’t quite know why he does what he does next. He’s just sort of caught up in the moment, not thinking far enough past _I love you I love you I’m sorry I’m sorry_ to realise that he’d be crossing a line if he surged forwards and kissed Jongin like his life depends on it, but that’s exactly what Sehun does. Takes one look at Jongin’s honest, chocolate eyes and loses himself, but what you have to understand is that Sehun _needs it_.  
  
He loves Jongin -- has always loved Jongin and will never not love him -- and Sehun needs to touch, needs to be close to him just to feel safe. He needs to know he’s loved and wanted, and especially now Sehun is craving human contact, the reassurance that things aren’t going to be like this forever. That there is a happy ending, somehow, and Sehun is going to reach it eventually.  
  
Sehun wonders if maybe this Jongin is his happy ending.  
  
This Jongin, who kisses Sehun back and holds him tightly, like Jongin’s never going to leave, never going to betray Sehun when… He pulls away. Jongin shifts and leans back suddenly, holding Sehun at arm’s length and bowing his head as if to physically forbid Sehun from chasing him any more.  
  
Sehun feels his heart begin to sink in cold, thick dread.  
  
“I can’t,” Jongin whispers, “I can’t, I’m sorry. We can’t do this.”  
  
“No, Jongin,” Sehun begs quietly, touching Jongin’s hands as if to move him but Jongin’s grip only tightens.  
  
“No, please,” Jongin shakes his head, staring at the ground as he does so. “Don’t tempt me. I’ve got to go home, Sehun; my boyfriend is… I’m spoken for, Sehun, I can’t.”  
  
“Oh,” Sehun breathes, sitting back and letting Jongin’s hands fall back into Jongin’s lap. Jongin’s boyfriend. Luhan. Of course. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Jongin shakes his head again. “No, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think-”  
  
“No, that’s okay.” _Please stop apologising._  
  
“I mean it, I’m really-”  
  
“I understand, Jongin.” _It’s all my fault._ “I should go now, anyway.” Sehun gets to his feet then, moving away from the table quickly and only turning back because Jongin catches Sehun’s wrist before he can go.  
  
“I’ll see you tomorrow, though, right?” Jongin asks.  
  
There’s an awful kind of hope in his eyes right now and Sehun finds he can’t do anything but nod. One last lie -- how much harm could it do? “Of course,” Sehun forces a smile, “I’ll be here. Bright and early.”  
  
Jongin smiles back and then, finally, lets Sehun go. Sehun doesn’t look back again after he leaves, even though his whole body is aching to; he already knows, even now, that he can’t come back. Whether he wakes in this world again or not, Sehun thinks, this will be the last time he ever sees this Jongin.  
  


.:.

  
  
“How are you doing, Sehun?” Jongin knows even before he asks that he won’t be getting a reply. Sehun is quieter than usual today -- not that he ever speaks much anyway -- and he’s been refusing to even answer the most basic of questions. He won’t look at Jongin, doesn’t shift at all in the chair he sits in on the other side of Jongin’s office.  
  
It’s almost like there isn’t even anyone there inside Sehun’s head that Jongin could talk to, and Jongin’s beginning to lose hope that he will ever get through to this patient.  
  
Jongin sighs and presses his fingertips together on top of his desk, in that way he does when he’s about to break some difficult news. “Look, Sehun, I think-”  
  
“I think there’s something wrong with me,” Sehun says suddenly, quietly, still staring ahead into nothingness but there’s something so broken and hopeless behind his eyes that Jongin immediately falls silent, all plans to suggest that Sehun tries seeing a different therapist put on hold in favour of just listening. After a moment, Sehun continues. “Somehow I’ve ruined everything that once mattered to me. I don’t know why I do it, and I don’t know exactly how, but I seem to have this talent that kills every form of happiness that comes close to me and I don’t… I think I am very, very ill, Mr. Kim, and I don’t think there is anyone on this earth who can help me.”  
  
Jongin stays quiet and contemplative for a few long moments before asking; “If you think you’re so beyond help, Sehun, may I ask why you’re here?”  
  
Sehun just shrugs. “I don’t know. This is what I thought I was supposed to do -- I thought you were supposed to be the answer to my problems.”  
  
“I can’t solve your problems for you, Sehun,” Jongin tells him gently, “but I can certainly try to help you solve them yourself. You have to let me, though. I can’t do this on my own.”  
  
Sehun breathes in shakily then lets it out again in one long sigh. “What if you give up on me before I get better?”  
  
Jongin shakes his head. “I won’t give up on you.”  
  
“Everyone gives up on me.”  
  
“I’m not everyone, Sehun, I’m your therapist,” Jongin reminds him. He watches Sehun intently but Sehun still refuses to look back; Jongin wonders if it’s because Sehun doesn’t want Jongin to see him cry. “I’m here for you, and as long as you need me I swear I won’t leave.”  
  
Finally, Sehun lifts his gaze to meet Jongin’s. His breath is still shaking. “Do you promise?”  
  
Jongin nods. “I promise.”  
  
Sehun nods, as well, and stares back down at his hands for a moment. Then, once a few seconds have passed, he takes a deep breath in and raises his head to look at Jongin properly. “I think I’m ready to tell you everything now.”  
  
Jongin smiles at him then, genuine and pure, like that light in the darkness Sehun’s been looking for for so long. There are birds singing outside the window, sunset staining the sky in the most beautiful shade of orange which covers the veins of the city like a blanket, calming and secure. Sehun takes one last look around the office, eyes focusing on the painting on the wall, before he takes a deep breath and begins his story, with no lies and no mistakes.  
  
He tells Jongin everything.  
  
---


End file.
